carry on my wayward son mash up

http://a.tumblr.com/tumblr_mrv0ylAjCO1rdplduo1.mp3#_=_

free love

yesterday evening i was talking to a friend, and i made a joke about spn, when i did that she answered me with a serious text requesting that i never get mixed up with trying to summon a demon or anything; she told me she worries about me and wanted to know why the crud i liked the show so much.
so i told her, it gives me hope, my relationships have been through rocky things and they have hurt me deeply, and with God's grace i'm still working through them, but you know, they're st ill a work in progress.

but what she said kinda caught me off gaurd. "you're kinda extrordinary you know, i mean, it's been tough, and you're not unscathed, but you, idk, you still have the capacity to love, and that's pretty impressive."
but guys, why is that impressive? why is it impressive that someone still loves people? why is it that another CHRISTIAN is impressed by someone loving people?

there are plenty of people far worse off than i am who love far more than i do. I am nothing. just a kid trying to make it through collage. heck, my rebelious phase was farming.
i don't think love is something that christians talk about enough. we talk theology and science, we talk about polotics. But what about love?
Are we supposed to only love others when we're whole? unbroken? content?
what about when we don't want to love another person? when we have every reason in the world NOT to love another person? what about those times?
why aren't churches talking about loving your neighbor, about loving the person on the other side of the political spectrum? of another religion? about loveing people when you're broken, when it's hard, when you think you have nothing left to give?
because yeah, that's when it matters most.
if you don't have love, you're nothing, and i'm not intentionally quoting from the bible here, but it should be a no brainer to every christian out there anyway.
literally, if you don't love, your whole existance becomes pointless.
lets love people ok?
im not extrordinary, cause im still working on all this, i'm not even a very good christian. but even bad christians should be known for their incredible love.

every child's fear

Most every child has an imaginary friend growing up, or two, or three, or a dozen. An imaginary friend is one of the best parts of childhood; always there when you want them, always everything you need them to be.
Most every child is also afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the monster under the bed.
The thing lurking in the corner.
The shadow on the wall.
The long dark hallway.
Why?
Why is the dark every child's fear? Why are there monsters where there should be none?
Because the dark isn't a thing. it's a nothing, and i think every child understands that monsters are really real, and that the things we don't know or understand can hurt us. A child at night understands just how small and insignificant they really are in the world.
They are made to live in the light, but at night, that's taken away, and we're left to ourselves, our imaginations, and our human fear.
But then we all grow up, and we explain away our fears, and we develop an egotistical and overinflated sense of self worth, that we're bigger than we really are, and nothing can hurt us, that we're far more important in this world than we really are.
Other's live their entire lives in fear. maybe not fear of the dark or fear of monsters, but fear, fear of loosing this job or that relationship, fear of this boss or that friend.
Fear of never measuring up to other's expectations, of never being good enough, of never achieving enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not athletic enough, not beautiful enough, not strong enough.
never being the perfect spouse, never being the perfect christian, the perfect son, the perfect daughter, the perfect brother, sister, or friend.
For some of us the monsters never really go away, they just.. change form.
But monsters are always monsters.
fear is like a seed, if you don't cut it, it will grow, and it will fester, day in and day out, until it's riding on your back holding the reigns
The thing about monsters is they can always be tamed. I'm quite good friends with my imaginary monsters that lurk in various places around the house at night, sometimes i like to meet up with them and have tea together, you know, catch up and reminisce about reading 'frankenstein' and 'dr jekyle and mr hyde' when i was only six.
as far as all my other fears go, well, i know i don't have to be strong enough, there are others to help bear that burden.
i'm not afraid to loose this job or that one, god's never failed me yet, and i doubt he'll start now.
i'm human, i'm never gonna be perfect on this side of death. actually, i can't really tell you how to conquer fear and move on couragously, haven't quite got the hang of it myself yet, and that's ok. i'll tell you all if i do figure it out.
but whatever you do, don't let it rule you. get help if you have to. it's never a good thing to live in fear.
so no, there's no real closure to this topic for me, i haven't lived long enough or seen enough of life to really understand much about overcoming fear.
but from what i do know and i have seen, we're all just children pretending to be adults, and none of us really knows what's going on, cause none of us can see the big picture.
and in the end we all have monsters that we never got rid of, just don't let them control you. they're hard to get back under control.

modesty

once in a while i get really, really tired of reading books for girls or articles by christian people about modesty in girls.
not because i'm not a christian or that i have no modesty and just want to flaunt my body for the sake of the world (or the male gender's) attention.
but because many of these articles and books condemn girls for dressing "immodestly" and not "honoring god" with there clothes and causing men/boys to stumble.
and since there's no hard and fast rules in the bible about how much skin you can show before you're 'immodest' and since what is 'modest' is largely socially fluid, i often become quite frustrated.
also here is a satirical article that pretty much sums up what i think about the general idea of forcing women to "modestly"
http://thesaltcollective.org/modesty-whensuitsbecomestumblingblock/

and also this one, which is not at all satirical in nature and was actually quite good.
http://thesaltcollective.org/modesty-whensuitsbecomestumblingblock/

enter the impala

life's been going by so fast lately. As soon as I get used to something new it all changes. particularly my work schedule. people keep leaving.
and then there's school, that's going ok, a little slow since I keep getting stuck, but ok.
we took a trip to Hawaii for my sister's jr national judo tournament. that was a fun trip, though I was sick for a good part of it.
for the last couple of weeks i've been super stressed. i still am a little stressed. but at least work has settled down a little bit.
so we got back and i've been looking at getting a car. but not just any car, i want an impala. an older one.
I love the sound of old cars when you close the doors.
well, i found one, about an hour and a half away from us i think. my brother called him, but he had sold it he said.
disappointment.
then mom comes into my bedroom when i'm trying to sleep all, "lauren, wake up, put a shirt on and wait here, i'll be back in a minute to get you." i was half asleep. "mom, i'm wearing a shirt, what do you need?"
so she goes out, and about seven minutes later everyone in my family hurries into my room with a blindfold.
so they blindfolded me and lead me upstairs asking me how i wanted to die, of all things.
out on the porch thy put a piece of paper in my hand and told me to look down at it, then they took the blind fold off.
at first i wasn't sure what i was holding, and when i did read it i wasn't sure what to think. except that it was crazy wonderful and couldn't actually be happening. but i was excited and started to laugh. but then i realized it was actually happening. my brother had bought and towed home the '69 chevy impala that i'd been wanting so bad and he had given it to me as a graduation gift.
my laugh kind of turned into crying and i hugged my brother. then we all walked across the driveway to see it.
so, my brother is officially one of the most generous people i know.
the car itself isn't running, it's complete rebuild. it needs a new engine, new battery, new brakes, new ignition/cylinder, new interior. pretty much new everything.
and a new paintjob.

Dean&Sam • I'm gonna be here until I'm nothing

valentine's day, a day to love?

This valentine's day I spent with a friend of mine holed up in her cabin watching hotel transylvania, supernatural, buffy the vampire slayer, endor's game, and V for Vendetta.
we pigged out on oreos, skittles, pizza and way too much tv. (i also didn't gain back a pound that I've lost in the past two weeks, which is a miracle and also fabulous.)
We are both single and both dreaded valentine's day. Two days later I still don't like to think about valentines day.
you could say I hate valentine's day. it could pretty much just be called "lovers day" and leave it at that. if you know me well at all you know that for the past few years I've had to watch my friends grow up, move away to college, get girlfriends or boyfriends, and get married. And you would know that I've been sidelined from that and have not liked it.
at all.
did you know it's possible to get a sugar hang over?
apparently it is. and it was miserable. it knocked me out for most of Saturday afternoon and evening.
sports drinks and eggs help with that.
anyway, the day after valentine's day, at about 8:00 a car pulled into the driveway and as close to the front deck as is possible. it kinda freaked mom out, i mean, who in the world?
moments later a woman walks up with a small vase of roses asking for me. mom was confounded and I was only slightly astonished.
someone had sent ME roses.

I signed for them and stared at them and tried not to bawl as i read the note that came with them.

they had come from a friend who had seen a note that I had posted on fb  days before valentines. and she had sent me flowers.
she said that I was a sweet girl and her mother had started a tradition of valentine's not just being about sweethearts but about just loving people. that she hoped someday those roses would be from my dream man. and that she hoped she wasn't a creeper.
of course she's not a creeper.

That was kind of a perspective changer on valentine's day.
what if I could bless some other gal who's just as lonely as I was? what if valentine's isn't just about your significant other, but just about loving other people in general?
because I know i'm not the only single gal out there right now.

Over the last couple months i've been told i'm just not as happy as I was. I don't know if that's true or not, but that's the observation that has been made.
well, I can't actually say it's not true, because on some level it is. And life has left me we with a lot to think about.
late last year someone I knew commented suicide. I say "someone I knew" because it was a couple years ago that we used to hangout at the local stables and ride and we hung out at the fair and practiced martial arts together for a while (she gave me a sprained ankle that made me wear a brace for about a year.) but our friendship wasn't anything that really took off since she left the state and we didn't really reconnect when she came back.
but she committed suicide, because of the circumstances surrounding it i don't really feel free to write much about it.
and dealing with the events before Christmas.
but all that I can handle just fine. no sweat. I just hop over to a friend's house for a couple days while things cool down.
But what do you do when someone who was your best friend in the world becomes almost just the opposite?
I was raised a military brat. If there's one thing I know about people it's that no one really stays around except family. I"m used to friends coming and going. so much so that sometimes after i've known someone for a year or to i'll start to emotionally pull away from them because in the back of my head I think they are going to leave me and my heart will break. and then I slap myself and remember my dad is retired and no one is going anywhere.
my brother joined the military, before he left we were about as close as two siblings could be, now he's almost the exact opposite.
not only is he distant, but sometimes he's downright hurtful.
and that's almost worse than being gone.
and yeah, maybe that sounds harsh, hurtful. but he has everything. or could have everything he's wanted since he was a kid, and he's throwing it away or letting it slip through his fingers.
and watching him through it away is pretty darn hurtful.

supernatural

lately I have fallen prey to the TV show "supernatural." A series that follows the adventures of Sam and Dean Winchester as they go about "Saving people and hunting things, the family business." Which usually means hunting and killing everything from ghosts to hellhounds to sending demons back to hell. Along the way they pick up some angelic companions in the attempt to keep Lucifer from being released from the pit and beyond.
The show does raise some interesting points though. Until season four the main goal of the two heroes is to find and kill the yellow eyed demon Azazel, the demon who killed their grandparents, their mother and sam's girlfriend.
Through these seasons the two brothers and their father (spoilers, he dies) learn that their soft spots are each other and that they will go to great lengths, even trading their souls, to save the other's life. At the end of season three, it's time to collect, and Dean is killed and his soul is dragged into hell.
The interesting thing here is how they portray hell. It is actually a place you would never, ever want to be. Dean is chained in darkness. absolutely alone at first. Then later (four months later after he's rescued) he says that time works differently, and on earth it was four months, but there it was forty years, and he was tortured by the demons every day until there was nothing left, then he was made whole again and it started all over (dante's inferno anyone?) then, after thirty years of torture, he was made to torture the other souls in hell. For ten years. he describes the emptiness and regret that he can never be forgiven for these things.
The third season ends with dean chained in darkness, utterly alone, ripped to shreds,and screaming for sam, who can't save him.
Where the third season leaves off the fourth begins, with dean being miraculously saved from hell by an unknown source. (later revealed to be an angel acting on God's command.) Since Dean, Sam, and Bobby have no idea who it is that saves dean they decide to consult a psychic who tries to conjure up the being. This ends in her eyeballs being fried out of her head. yeah, it's never a good idea to employ a psychic to conjure angels. it reminds me of saul and the medium. when will they learn?
since Castiel, the "angle of the lord" confronts Dean about the existence of God and Angels Dean wrestles with the existence of God and why bad things happen to good people, why doesn't God step down and stop all the horrible things? because, after all, Sam and Dean can't save everyone. He wrestles with the thought that God takes a specific interest in him as a person. When the angels tell him he needs to get out of town because they are going to destroy it just to keep one witch from raising the a powerful demon, on God's orders, he struggles with how God can raze thousands of people just to get rid of one. He defies them and goes on to find and destroy the demons. In the end he's told that the angels orders were never to destroy the town, their orders were to do whatever dean told them to do, but that it had been at test, and Castiel "loved people, because they were his father's beautiful creations."
As it continues Dean struggles with the concept and character of God and angels, though he sides with them when he clashes with his brother Sam, who although seems morally good, is being deceived and played like a pawn by some pretty evil demons. and he doesn't really know it.
and somewhere on that note, we left off watching supernatural that night. or maybe we watched some more, I don't remember. it was late at night, or early in the morning.