Dean&Sam • I'm gonna be here until I'm nothing

valentine's day, a day to love?

This valentine's day I spent with a friend of mine holed up in her cabin watching hotel transylvania, supernatural, buffy the vampire slayer, endor's game, and V for Vendetta.
we pigged out on oreos, skittles, pizza and way too much tv. (i also didn't gain back a pound that I've lost in the past two weeks, which is a miracle and also fabulous.)
We are both single and both dreaded valentine's day. Two days later I still don't like to think about valentines day.
you could say I hate valentine's day. it could pretty much just be called "lovers day" and leave it at that. if you know me well at all you know that for the past few years I've had to watch my friends grow up, move away to college, get girlfriends or boyfriends, and get married. And you would know that I've been sidelined from that and have not liked it.
at all.
did you know it's possible to get a sugar hang over?
apparently it is. and it was miserable. it knocked me out for most of Saturday afternoon and evening.
sports drinks and eggs help with that.
anyway, the day after valentine's day, at about 8:00 a car pulled into the driveway and as close to the front deck as is possible. it kinda freaked mom out, i mean, who in the world?
moments later a woman walks up with a small vase of roses asking for me. mom was confounded and I was only slightly astonished.
someone had sent ME roses.

I signed for them and stared at them and tried not to bawl as i read the note that came with them.

they had come from a friend who had seen a note that I had posted on fb  days before valentines. and she had sent me flowers.
she said that I was a sweet girl and her mother had started a tradition of valentine's not just being about sweethearts but about just loving people. that she hoped someday those roses would be from my dream man. and that she hoped she wasn't a creeper.
of course she's not a creeper.

That was kind of a perspective changer on valentine's day.
what if I could bless some other gal who's just as lonely as I was? what if valentine's isn't just about your significant other, but just about loving other people in general?
because I know i'm not the only single gal out there right now.

Over the last couple months i've been told i'm just not as happy as I was. I don't know if that's true or not, but that's the observation that has been made.
well, I can't actually say it's not true, because on some level it is. And life has left me we with a lot to think about.
late last year someone I knew commented suicide. I say "someone I knew" because it was a couple years ago that we used to hangout at the local stables and ride and we hung out at the fair and practiced martial arts together for a while (she gave me a sprained ankle that made me wear a brace for about a year.) but our friendship wasn't anything that really took off since she left the state and we didn't really reconnect when she came back.
but she committed suicide, because of the circumstances surrounding it i don't really feel free to write much about it.
and dealing with the events before Christmas.
but all that I can handle just fine. no sweat. I just hop over to a friend's house for a couple days while things cool down.
But what do you do when someone who was your best friend in the world becomes almost just the opposite?
I was raised a military brat. If there's one thing I know about people it's that no one really stays around except family. I"m used to friends coming and going. so much so that sometimes after i've known someone for a year or to i'll start to emotionally pull away from them because in the back of my head I think they are going to leave me and my heart will break. and then I slap myself and remember my dad is retired and no one is going anywhere.
my brother joined the military, before he left we were about as close as two siblings could be, now he's almost the exact opposite.
not only is he distant, but sometimes he's downright hurtful.
and that's almost worse than being gone.
and yeah, maybe that sounds harsh, hurtful. but he has everything. or could have everything he's wanted since he was a kid, and he's throwing it away or letting it slip through his fingers.
and watching him through it away is pretty darn hurtful.

supernatural

lately I have fallen prey to the TV show "supernatural." A series that follows the adventures of Sam and Dean Winchester as they go about "Saving people and hunting things, the family business." Which usually means hunting and killing everything from ghosts to hellhounds to sending demons back to hell. Along the way they pick up some angelic companions in the attempt to keep Lucifer from being released from the pit and beyond.
The show does raise some interesting points though. Until season four the main goal of the two heroes is to find and kill the yellow eyed demon Azazel, the demon who killed their grandparents, their mother and sam's girlfriend.
Through these seasons the two brothers and their father (spoilers, he dies) learn that their soft spots are each other and that they will go to great lengths, even trading their souls, to save the other's life. At the end of season three, it's time to collect, and Dean is killed and his soul is dragged into hell.
The interesting thing here is how they portray hell. It is actually a place you would never, ever want to be. Dean is chained in darkness. absolutely alone at first. Then later (four months later after he's rescued) he says that time works differently, and on earth it was four months, but there it was forty years, and he was tortured by the demons every day until there was nothing left, then he was made whole again and it started all over (dante's inferno anyone?) then, after thirty years of torture, he was made to torture the other souls in hell. For ten years. he describes the emptiness and regret that he can never be forgiven for these things.
The third season ends with dean chained in darkness, utterly alone, ripped to shreds,and screaming for sam, who can't save him.
Where the third season leaves off the fourth begins, with dean being miraculously saved from hell by an unknown source. (later revealed to be an angel acting on God's command.) Since Dean, Sam, and Bobby have no idea who it is that saves dean they decide to consult a psychic who tries to conjure up the being. This ends in her eyeballs being fried out of her head. yeah, it's never a good idea to employ a psychic to conjure angels. it reminds me of saul and the medium. when will they learn?
since Castiel, the "angle of the lord" confronts Dean about the existence of God and Angels Dean wrestles with the existence of God and why bad things happen to good people, why doesn't God step down and stop all the horrible things? because, after all, Sam and Dean can't save everyone. He wrestles with the thought that God takes a specific interest in him as a person. When the angels tell him he needs to get out of town because they are going to destroy it just to keep one witch from raising the a powerful demon, on God's orders, he struggles with how God can raze thousands of people just to get rid of one. He defies them and goes on to find and destroy the demons. In the end he's told that the angels orders were never to destroy the town, their orders were to do whatever dean told them to do, but that it had been at test, and Castiel "loved people, because they were his father's beautiful creations."
As it continues Dean struggles with the concept and character of God and angels, though he sides with them when he clashes with his brother Sam, who although seems morally good, is being deceived and played like a pawn by some pretty evil demons. and he doesn't really know it.
and somewhere on that note, we left off watching supernatural that night. or maybe we watched some more, I don't remember. it was late at night, or early in the morning.

catching fire

admittedly my biggest desire to see catching fire was that I wanted to see the costumes.
it is a horrible movie. I mean, it was amazing, on the big screen, it was fantastic. but in a horrible i-dont-want-to-be-in-the-hunger-games sort of way.
as always I don't like katniss very much. she has a confused look permanently stuck on her face and she's utterly clueless.

rough

well, ya know, the age old debate vs. free will and destiny?  well, I'm not quite sure which side i'm on, but whatever you believe in, fate, destiny, divine providence, free will, it seems to take pleasure in messing with my family.
I don't really know what to say right now, I really don't.
I'm hurt.
I'm angry.
I'm shaken.
I'm scared.
I feel like i've been shaken to my core, like my whole view of people, life, and the world has been shaken. I've known since I was young that the world wasn't a nice place, because of experiences that not even my closes friends know about.
I think the only thing that hasn't been shaken is my faith that God will take care of me, and even then I am just trying to understand why He's is letting the things happen that are happening. What he's trying to teach me.

work

work is work, but it's kinda fun when you get to have theological and scientific discussions with your coworker when you're supposed to be working.
and I get paid holidays.
so it's good. :)
percy jackson: sea of monsters is in theaters, so a friend of mine and I are going to see it.

this friend and I have been discussing personality types and introversion and stuff based on the Briggs-Meyer tests.
when I told her what my type supposedly is she agreed with me, and, when I said I didn't think I knew anyone with me time, she informed me I wouldn't get along with my type anyway. She pointed out that her cousin is the same type.
her cousin doesn't give me the "we'll hit it off great" vibe and we wouldn't get along, yes, I did tell her so.
She said she knows we wouldn't in her words, "you both have walls around your inner world and they would collide and no further progress would be made. it would take a herculean effort for the two of you  to hold a conversation without help. You're the same kind of introvert."
upon explaining this to my mother it has become necessary to explain that there seem to be different kinds of introverts.
unless you're familiar with briggs-meyer it would be pointless to explain, and if you are, it would still be pointless because you already know.
but there's two types of introverts, those like you, and those not like you.
and one of them I can hold a conversation with and other one i'm still working on. :P

life

friday one of my friends came over to spend the night. that was lots of fun. of course it was fun, we had a giant bag of peanut butter m&ms. with enough sugar, anything is fun.
Unlike most sleepovers, I didn't stay up late, she did, sorta. we had the laptop on the bed with us and we were supposed to be watching snow white and the huntsman, but mostly it was just she was watching it and I went to sleep. She shut it off half way through though and we finished it in the morning.
she also cracked my back for me, which was like, heavenly.
She took me to mass with her (she's catholic, i'm not) which was interesting to say the least. I can't say I don't enjoy the tradition of it. i can say, WHAT IS GOING ON????? cause I was lost most of the time.

work has been going well. I enjoy hanging out with my coworker, she's cool. kinda like a cross between anne of green gabbles and a librarian. and she can draw. she's cool. and really funny when it comes the the mormon boys to who come in to work out.
The radio in the kids room is kinda old. it doesn't read half the songs on the CDs. so we all have to listen to the same six song over and over again. it's sad. :P

my brother didn't pass one of his tests. now he won't be home when he was scheduled to be back. -.- i'm not happy bob, not happy.

there's termination dust on the tops of the mountains. fall is here and winter is coming soon.

breakfast

life got pretty busy lately. God is so gracious. I've been trying to find a job, pretty much any job since I started college, to pay for it. I applied for a cleaning job at a local gym, even though I really didn't want to. bleh. cleaning. Not only did I get a job there, but I got child care which I immensely prefer over cleaning.
Not just one job, but two.
I was offered a job at a local stable, as a feeder, their policy is not to hire anyone under 18, but they made an exception for me. I did not even apply or interview, but the manager offered me the job, thanks to my mom and brothers working there. ;)
Then there is school. I took Introductory Sociology on Monday and passed the CLEP with a 51. it was a difficult test for me, and I've been studying nearly every day for several months. I was tired and I think that played into it.
This last week, if I'm not working I'm sleeping or chilling, I got permission from my coach to take the week off from school cause I've earned it; but I get up and go to work, I haven't even given myself time to eat breakfast, which I don't really mind, I'm not really a breakfast person anyway.
but today is Saturday, and I got to sleep in late. and eat an enormous, leisurely breakfast, without having to worry about being late which did two things.
One, it made me appreciate the weekend more, and work.
Two, it also made me appreciate my Mom more. Due to my own lack of interest in driving, I'm still learning, so mom has to take me or accompany  me places, every week day, and on the weekends, she has to be at her own job early in the morning. She also has to pick me up from my job in the evening, which means she never gets to sleep in and doesn't get to bed early. She is like, supermom. and she's mind. you can't have her.
and she let me pierce a third set of rings in my ears.