Monday, December 22, 2014

OH Holy Holidayz

Its that time of year again, only a couple days till Christmas, which is great, I love Christmas.
If only I had all my shopping done.
My Brother is back for the Holidays, it's good to have him around again.
Of course, with the holidays comes time off for most college students. Not me of course, but most.
With it being December the last installment of The Hobbit has also been released.
And of course with the release of the Battle of the Five Armies comes inspiration to create some of the costumes and props.
With the coming of inspiration comes also the realization that I like making things to fit other people. the costumes that i've made for my sister i consider to be some of my better work.
probably because i'm more likely to take shortcuts with my own work.

Monday, October 27, 2014

The Purpose Driven Life aka "the 'It's not about you," book'

My church up here in the freezing no-where has decided that this semester my college group will be going through The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. It's a fantastic book and one that I think every person should go through, especially every college age kid who's just starting out, or trying to figure out their lives.
The book comes with a study guide for group participation and group questions, during the study I didn't write down my answers to the questions; I wanted to take the guide home, reread it and think about it more thoroughly.

"God created me to love me." (Jerimiah 20:18, Proverbs 16:4, Ephesians 1:4) When did you fist hear about God's love?
I've always known that God loved me, and I've always known that I was created to love him, it kinda followed that I was created to be loved. I was raised in a Christian family, so I just grew up knowing some of these things. Growing up military it was kind of a constant, God was always there, he was always the provider, he always had his best for us even when we didn't feel loved, or when we felt lonely. For me, knowing that God loved me was just a basic part of my childhood.

"I was made to last forever." How does that Statement strike you? Are you encouraged, puzzled, dissapointed, surprised?
Unless you're just some uber depressed person who just doesn't want to live and wants death to be the end all, who doesn't want to see heaven, why would anyone be dissapointed that we were made to last forever and be in the presence of the one who created you so specially?
I'm pretty excited about being made to last forever, it reminds me of the elves from Lord of the Rings actually. I get to go chill with Jesus and learn more about God than I will ever know here, I'll do things I never imagined I could, or at least, that's what i'm assuming.  I find it really hard to believe we're just going to be sitting around playing harps and singing tunes, unless you're a musical person and really enjoy singing and playing the harp, in which case, enjoy your day.
Overall i'm just excited about living forever.

Are you ready to explore the truth about god's plan for your life?
Yes, it's frequently been a struggle to figure out what God wants for my life, and just as often I tend to lose focus from what I believe he's called me to do. While I can quote what I believe He has called me to be and to do backwards and forwards, it's always good to check with my Supervisor Upstairs and see if the game plan is still on track.

What difference could it make if I acted like life is all about God and not about myself?
That's actually a tough question, I'm not perfect, my relationships with other's would be more focused on God and the other person, not what i can get out of the relationship.
I could be more giving with my time and rescourses.
my relationships with the kids I work with would be more "how can I show God to these kids?" and less "How can i make these kids behave for two and a half hourse."
my passions would be more "how does this art, bring glory to God?"

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


oh hey, if you like my blog, follow me on tumblr!

oops, I forgot to get that guy's number

Last time dad and I got the chance to work on the impala we decided that since it is finally fall and it's cold outside that we should pull baby into the garage where it's warmer and the floor is even.
Ya know, an impala is a lot longer than she looks in the supernatural series. She's 18 feet long (to put that into perspective she's longer than my brother's full sized truck.) and barely fits in the garage with room to work.
fun fact 2: I'm only 5'2" so i need a step stool just to reach over the side to the engine.

Anyway, dad and I took out the distributor and the carburetor to reach the intake manifold. 
Let me just say that underneath the manifold was gross. aweful.
so we cleaned her out, replaced the gasket and got the shiny new manifold on her. 

Do you know how long it took to get the distributor back in? Forever. I died and came back cause I couldn't leave a job unfinished. 

then we discovered we didn't have the right bolts to get the carburetor back on. Shock and awe.

Did I meantion I broke the fuel line? yeah, I broke that. it twisted right in half. horrible. Just my luck.

So yesterday a guy came into work and we ended up talking about cars (I asked if he was a machanic, his hands were a dead give away) and he told me he had a whole bunch of parts he could give me cause chevy was his passion. He could even hook me up with a new set of wheels and fuel injection cause carburetors were prehistoric and should be extinct.
I was super excited.
And I forgot to get his number from the sign in sheet.

(this is another reason i cant get a date, I always forget numbers)

I love you

I love you.
I. love. you.
Three little words.
but you hardly ever hear them these days.
I'm constantly telling my friends "I love you" and I absolutely mean it.
I love you, doesn't have to mean "I love how you look, and I want to have sex with you, call me maybe." It doesn't have to mean "I love you cause we're dating and you're so romantic."
Love is something you do for someone no matter what, love is a friend asking where you are and offering to pick you  up in the middle of the night because you feel like you've lost your best friend and you have a broken heart.
Love is offering someone a place to stay when things get rough.
Love is talking through the night.
Love is being there for someone, even when that someone is a pain in the butt.
Love is being there for someone no matter what.
And you know what? My family does that for me, and my best friends do that for me. And I love them.
So I tell them.
Because "I love you" should be said absolutely without judgement, without fear that someone's gonna freak out and think you're creepy, and without fearing that love isn't going to be reciprocated.
Love isn't just romantic.
Love is friendship.
Love is the greatest gift to man.
So I tell my friends I love them.
They make me happy. That I'm thinking of them. That they make my world happy. That you are so important to me.
just by saying "I love you."

Monday, September 22, 2014


finals are horrible terrible things
the questions are made of philosophy
their answers are horribly hard
they're nasty nasty nasty nasty horrible terrible things
but the most horrible thing about finals is.........
they're really easy to fail.

I had my social justice final today, thankfully I managed to scrape by with a passing score.
See, I failed my midterm exam, which carries 25%  of my grade.
But despite that I managed to squeek by and receaved an over passing grade of 73.
I needed a 70 to pass.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

how rude...

It's really quite rude not to tell someone that they haven't gotten the position of job opportunities they they are applying/asking about.
Seriously, if you have your people picked out and someone else is interested, it's ok to so "no, i don't think you're right for this _____" or "no, I have already filled _____ position," or even "You know, I think you still need some work, keep trying."
Being turned down is fine, yeah, it's disappointing, but it's not as bad as being made to wait, and wait, and wait, with that sinking feeling in your gut that you're not going to get in, but still hoping that you will, then later having to figure out on your own who got in and that you didn't.
That is really annoying and a little bit rude.
I'd like to be told up front that I'm not good enough, old enough, or not wanted.
So don't be jerks people.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

social justice

One of my courses this term deals with social justice, it's really quite interesting, especially from the perspective of someone who's mom works closely with a local ministry.
My mom is on the board of a ministry who's aim is to help people in need with the help that they need.
Hearing about the people coming through the ministry and what my mom and here people are trying to do is a prime example of true 'social justice.' a group of people coming together to help other people in need, not just by meeting their needs, but by trying to help them out of their situation.
Being able to hear mom talk about everything that's going on has actually been helpful with my class, providing a tangible example to attach to the ideas taught in the course.

Monday, September 15, 2014

term goals

Every good student has terms goals, but since i'm not a great student i'd rather not have term goals.
Unfortunately, good teachers make terrible students have term goals anyway.
so here's what my term looks like:
-finish social justice, 3 credits
-college composition, 3 credits
-English composition, 3 credits
-principles of public speaking, 3 credits
-get my car runing
-hobbit costumes finished

That's everything major, and I think it's doable.
I hope, i don't think i've accomplished all of my term goals since my first semester.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

why is carburetor not spelled 'carberator'? it makes so much more sense.

Basically that.
Dad bought a new carburetor for the impala, but when we actually lifted the hood and took the old carburetor off we discovered something horrible. it was too big.
There was also no chance we were going to be able to get the old carburetor working again. It’s just too broken and rusted. 
For more bad news we checked the oil pan, which was about finished filling with oil from the car (we broke the seal on the oil pan bolt thingamajiggerin the proscess of changing the oil. we are so talanted.) unfortunately for us there was radiator fluid floating in the oil. 
We were very sad and dissapointed.
So dad prosceeds to look at the engine and determines that we should get an adapter for the carburetor so that it will fit on the engine, then we’ll see if it will start up at all. Though as he examined the intake manifold he decided that it was corroded and that it probably needed a new gasket.
we were both feeling rather sad that evening because I told him i didn’t currently have the money for a new intake thingamajigger and that it would have to wait a while. 
so he decided just to get the adapter and see if the car would run with the new carburetor, as he had originally planned.
the next day as mom and i are in the car headed to work, mom almost hits dad with the car while pulling out of the garage. I don’t think that Dad was really paying much attention, as he was holding a box, having said he had something to show me. 
He popped up the box lid and showed me a shiny, new intake manifold.
He also bought about 50 bucks worth of spark pluggs.
I don’t think he bought an adapter though.

oooooooooh judgement

People can be such jerks, always judging people all the time.
It is really, really annoying when 'christians' judge others and look down on them. Come on people, you can do better. 
Especially when the phrase 'i'll pray for you.' becomes pretty much an insult.
I'm kinda at the point where I where i don't really give a crap about what people think. People are rude. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


as a childcare worker I get to see the good, the bad and the ugly as far as kids go.
a child's behavior is a reflection of their parents teaching skills. So i see good parenting and bad parenting. Good kids, spoiled kids, and down right horrible you-have-to-leave-now kids.
so i'm getting an idea now of the kinda of parent i want to be when i grow up and get married and have kids.
yes, every child is precious and unique and all that, but if your kid is a danger to himself and others, you're doing something wrong.
there is a difference between loving your child and coddling them and giving in to their every wish, a nine year old should know how to clean up his own mess, find his own chair, and listen and obey teachers, parents don't need to be at their beck and call, answering to their every whim. they're big, and i don't want to deal with their tantrum when i don't get their chair for them.
when a kid is clawing and scratching other kids, and hitting teachers when they try to calm the kid down and take control of the situation, that's not a good time to comfort and coddle the kid who's hurting other kids, it's just reinforcing the behavior, and they're gonna keep doing it. i don't want to be continually asking you to take your child out of the playcenter because they don't know self control.
Throwing violent tantrums on the floor, screaming, and hitting teachers is not cute, neither is running out of the play area.
On the other hand, a child who knows how to listen and play nicely, who can have a conversation and who understands rules and boundaries is a pleasant kid to have around the daycare. bravo parents, you did something right.

Friday, September 5, 2014

it's cold outside, oh, it's septemBRRRRRRR

as i ponder the raininess of the past weeks and the yellow leaves on the trees i'm reminded how much i like fall.
it's my most favorite time of year, all the birds are going away and everything is dying.
dead leaves start falling of the trees (which in my yard are mostly dead as well.)
it's time to kill pumkins and blend their flesh into delicous pie, with spices and yummy golden crusts. oh, wait, i won't be having those this year.
and we eat dead turkeys,
it is over all a most beautiful time of year.
alright, yeah, it's kinda early to be gearing up for thanksgiving, but it just goes to show how much i enjoy fall.
the colors,
the crisp cool air
crunchy leaves,
... and school
the fall semester is upon me, and it's kinda rediculas.
i'm about to start a college composition course. yay, not really. I just took the English Lit CLEP, and passed it. (only by three points, but hey, it's pass or fail, and i passed, barely, but i passed.)
I think i'm actually going to enjoy the fall semester, i like school in general, so that's no surprise.

on a side note i'm going to learn a bit of welding so i can repair the tust holes in my car.
which dad bought me a new carburetor and some other parts for, btw. we're going to put it in as soon as dad has the time and weather allows.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

dont you dare eat mah food

lately I've been becoming more and more intolerant of anything containing dairy.
you know what that means?
i. cant. have. chocolate.
and you know what else?
cheese its.
and Cinnamon roll frosting.
all those beautiful simple things in life that make it better.
like hot chocolate in the winter time.
and pumpkin smoothies in the autumn.
they all set off a volcanic chain reaction in my guts.
but that's ok, I've acquired a taste for broccoli.
and cauliflower.
and you know what, i make darned good food when i feel like it.
and no one is allowed to touch it but me.
so stop eating my food people. ya'll can go eat ice cream, i'll just sit here in the corner with my couliflower.

Monday, September 1, 2014

how to be a childcare worker's nightmare

wether you work in the grocery store childcare or any other childcare, here are some sure fire ways to be the worst parent ever.

1) insist that we watch your child's every move.
your child is in a safe place, you can see that the equipment is safe, everything is childproofed, all the workers are cpr and first aid certified. you're child will be ok. if i have twenty other kids to watch, i'm not going to watch just your kid.

2) there are germs.
yes, we sanitize, yes, we clean, yes, there are still runny noses. common sense. there are still gonne be a couple germs. stop insisting we keep your special little buggy-boo seperate from everyone else's special kid.

3)for the love of all that is sacred, do not bring your eight ill behaved children into a playcenter.
seriously, i have better things to do than stop your preteens from dragging kids across the floor by one leg. i don't want to be constantly yelling at your kids to stop rough houseing and dissobeying the rules when i could be trying to hold a crying baby.
your kids should know better.

be all of those and we will all dislike you.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Im tired. Theres not much else to say.
Ive been depressed probably since monday or tuesday and I dont know why. But thats kind of the point of it, it just is. But its frustrating.i thoughtnit was over. Why cant it just be over?
But at the same time im ok. I can handle it. Im fine. And ill be fine.
Yeah, i still struggle sometimes but my life and feelings are in someone's bigger hands.

Baby's engine turned over. Dad got a new battery for her and she turned right over. We need to replace a whole bunch of stuff, (like the carburetor) and get new tires. But at least we know we can get her working.
She needs some welding work and a good paint job too. Im looking forward to that.

Friday, August 15, 2014

it's science watson

i should not cook late at night. it is liable to turn into an experiment. and then promptly explode.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

hi again depression

I've noticed on fb pics coming across my dashboard, on pintrest and on tumbr, that many people, girls especially, have romanticised depression, somehow it's deep and mysterious. even beautiful and desirable.
or exactly the opposite. General sadness is labeled 'depression.'
it's not something you just suck up and change your attitude about, it something that grabs hold of your head and your heart and anchores itself deep in your gut, and you hate the very essence of who you are till some days you simply cannot find meaning in your life and question the worthiness of your own existence. it's crippling, it is painful, and it is torture. there is nothing beautiful about it.
but there is always, always hope. 
just remembering that he loves you and cares for you isn't enough. people with depression actually have problems that need to be practically taken care of and healed; and i see a lot of people with the mindset that if you just remember god loves you and that's all it takes to be healed. that's like slapping a bandaid on a broken bone and telling them it will be alright. it will mend with time, but it will be crooked, painful, and crippling. it may even need to be rebroken again to be fixed comes in the form of family. it comes in the form of friends. for some people, in counciling, for other people in meds.
depression isn't a choice, but suicide is.
the funniest mad on earth had his chance, and he chose not to take it. but just because he didn't beat his batte doesn't mean that you can't.
it's hard, one of the hardest battles you may ever face. but it's worth it, life is worth it. and just because someone else didn't make it doesn't mean you can be stronger.
don't judge someone's strength by their celebrity aclaim either.


over the last couple days since the tragic death of robin williams i've had several posts come across my news feed that say something along the lines of  "if the funniest man on earth lost to depression what chance do i have?"

To my dear friends:
You have every chance.
I know what you're going through, i've been there, done that. and you know, i'm still fighting. it's a battle you might fight for the rest of your life.  and it's a hard fight, a very hard fight.
depression isn't a choice. you can't just "be happy" or "suck it up" or "remember, God loves you and that's all you need to know."
it seems like people go around toughting "smile, jesus loves you, fix your attitude" as a cure all for depression. it isn't.
Yes, God loves you, he loves you so much he had his son die for you. But that's not a cure all for a depression. There are almost always underlying problems, be they biological, circumstantial, traumatic, or for whatever reason.
depression isn't a choice. Scuicide is. it is always a choice. no matter how troubled, or hurt or broken you are you still have a choice, and you still havea chance.
The funniest man on earth mada tragic descision and we all mourne his loss. But it was still a choice.
And just because he couldn't beat his depression, you still have a chance, there are people out there who love you and want to help you. There is help available. if it's biological, or even if you just need some extra help, there are meds.
you have a chance. have a support system. there is always another option.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

lauren's commandments

1)know what you believe and why you believe it. always stand up for your faith and never be ashamed of what you believe.

2)love others, it's ok to pass up a theological discussion if it is not a matter of salvation if it will come between you.

3) that being said, relationships should not cause your own relationship with God to suffer. ever.

4)you are never alone, don't let yourself believe otherwise.

5) don't come between a student/person and his/her coffee. this is for your safety.

6) it's ok to turn in assignments the day of.

7) work hard

8) look out for your siblings. always.  they are the best friends you will ever have.

9) you heart will trick you, think with your head and don't be stupid.

the impala

Dad is helping me rebuild an impala, and we are currently working on replacin the steering column.
of course since it's my car, i have to at least try to do everything.
It's great to spend time with my dad, since i don't usually get to spend a whole lot of time with him. it's great, even when he makes fun of my scrunched up concentration face. which he says is cute.
although when he throws pieces of my car over the top and across the parking area i'm not so happy.
but i think we can all agree then when i start think "i should learn more about cars and get into this" and then drop a ratchey doohicky(yeah, i don't do tool names) on my face.
at this point i should stick to my original career choice.
dad had to work this morning, so we couldn't finish the job last night, but i'm hoping we'll work on it tonight.

mawage is what.... sepewates us all today.

so there's this whole big shindig debate going on for the past age and a half about marriage.
why? because LGBTQ community wants the right for an LGBTQ 'marraige' to be recognised by law.
that wouldn't be so bad except for a few minor details.
first off, in the cases of an LGBTQ couple forcing a photographer to a baker to photograph or bake for their wedding, when the LGBTW community goes after these people they are trying to force their religion/lifestyle onto someone else who has the right to morally refuse to serve someone.
but at the same time they don't like it when we 'force' our religion/lifestyle on them.
lets just all agree to be mutually respectful. you don't hire my bakery, i won't have to refuse you service as my conscience demands.
then we'll all be good.
second of all, in order to get married you have to apply for a liscence which may or may not be granted to you even if you are straight.
marraige was designed by God and was adopted all over the world, but before a whole bunch of big-whigs in well, wigs, decided to step in, it was a promise made by two people in front of other people and before god (or gods, depending on your culture.)
so it seems to me that little paper thing that says you're married is just for tax purposes, or something.
so i've knda been wrestling with the idea of which side to take on the whole LGBTQ issue, and i've kinda decided to stay nuetral.
on one hand, i find it to be against god's commands and natural law.
on the other hand, God didn't just give us the choice to choose what he wanted, he gave us the option of doing what we wanted, even if what we want is directly opposite of what god wants. As part of team free will i support the choice of choosing between god and our own desires.
so nuetrality. yay.

Monday, August 11, 2014


Yesterday we went to church at my little brother's church (he goes to a different church whenever he can, he likes the preaching and singing and people better there) on friday afternoon he told mom he was going to that church on suday so that he could be baptised. apparently he didn't think we would all want to be there.
so we all went to his church yesterday and then to the creek to watch his baptism.
every one there was supernice and had so many good things to say about my little brother. The little twerp never told us that everyone and their brother was enamoured with him. apparently he captured everyone's hearts while he was staffing camps and stuff. so mugh so that the lead pastor wanted to meet the rest of his family. and some other people did too.
he makes me proud.
he's also supposed to stay my little brother. emphasis on the 'little' part.
but he makes me proud.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

being an adult is not for everyone...... or what that post was supposed to be.

when you're a kid you think being an adult is all, grow up like mommy and daddy, do whatever i want, like stay up past my bedtime, and eat cookies till i get a tummy ache, and not take baths. Be whatever i want, like a doctor, or a vetrinarian, or a missionary.
as a young teenager being an adult means: having a boyfriend, spouse our significant other, it's having a job that excites you, a police officer, firefighter, or lawyer.
then you get to be sixteen or seventeen, and being an adult means getting a job that pays your bills, it means late nights, early mornings, or more likely, both at the same time. it means finishing highschool and looking towards getting into college.
as time goes on moving from childhood to adult hood, your expectation of life slowly shifts from grandois schemes of the future, to ever more realistic goals for the here and now. sure, some kids to grow up to get that sweet job as a fire fighter, or cop a lot sooner than most people would. but more often than not, as life goes on, our focus shifts from 'later,' to 'now.'

Until BAM.

you're eighteen.

and suddenly everyone's asking what you're doing with your life, what you're doing for school (and half the time they don't really understand your school they just smile and nod their head.) what job you have, what your goals and dreams are for your future, and if you have a significant other.
Serously people, suddenly we're able to sign out own paperwork without our parents, we're responsible for our every action, we're legal adults and expected to know exactly what we're doing all the time and what we plan on doing with our lives.
Of course we give the appropriate answers that earn us smiles, nods, a pat on the back and general apporval from society.
but on the inside..


we percieve ourselves of not being compatant of working hard and doing what needs to be done, of balancing school and work. of being responsible. Of being immature and not really an adult if we don't know exactly what's going on, or what's going to happen next in our lives.
and that's just not true.
it's ok to not be sure, it's ok to not know what's going on exactly, as long as everything gets done one way or another.
everyone has to go through that awekward phase of spreading their wings, we don't all just jump right out of the nest and soar. that's just not the way life works.
So why is it frowned upon to appear like you don't have it all together? like you should imediatly have all the answers to life's questions?
of course, being an adult isnt for everyone, it means responsibility, integrity, willingness and some passion to get going.
some people can't take responsibility. they won't go very far.
some don't have integrity.  they can't be trusted, and they can't be trusted to do what needs to be done to be successfull.
some people are both of those, but they aren't willing to cooperate and be part of the team at whatever job they're working, whatever relationship their constructing. But it's one of the most important aspects to have, if you're willing and eager to learn, to take responsibility, to do what no one else wants to do, you'll go so far.
but you have to have passion. no matter what you're doing, no matter what the job. do it with passion. even if it's the dirtyest suckyest job on planet earth, do it like you're the only one in the world who can do it and you're the best.
cause yeah, i'm 18. being an adult is hard. i'm gonna go color.

actually i'm gonna finish studying. cause that's what would be responsible of me to do.

being an adult is not for everyone

As i sit here at the computer trying to make the local college website work for me so i can schedule a test, i think that i would rather be sleeping.
but i am not. why? because i have to be responsible and study for an english test the the college is refusing to let me schedule.
because life sucks sometimes.
i'm tired. i'll finish this train of thought later.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

oh the joys of being sick. not really, there's really nothing fun about being sick.
i hafta stay home from hiking to study and get better.
and i just realized that i'm not going squar dancing this weekend because it's at the same time as my other dance class which i'm already commited to going to.

Monday, August 4, 2014

free love

yesterday evening i was talking to a friend, and i made a joke about spn, when i did that she answered me with a serious text requesting that i never get mixed up with trying to summon a demon or anything; she told me she worries about me and wanted to know why the crud i liked the show so much.
so i told her, it gives me hope, my relationships have been through rocky things and they have hurt me deeply, and with God's grace i'm still working through them, but you know, they're st ill a work in progress.
but what she said kinda caught me off gaurd. "you're kinda extrordinary you know, i mean, it's been tough, and you're not unscathed, but you, idk, you still have the capacity to love, and that's pretty impressive."
but guys, why is that impressive? why is it impressive that someone still loves people? why is it that another CHRISTIAN is impressed by someone loving people?
there are plenty of people far worse off than i am who love far more than i do. I am nothing. just a kid trying to make it through collage. heck, my rebelious phase was farming.
i don't think love is something that christians talk about enough. we talk theology and science, we talk about polotics. But what about love?
Are we supposed to only love others when we're whole? unbroken? content?
what about when we don't want to love another person? when we have every reason in the world NOT to love another person? what about those times?
why aren't churches talking about loving your neighbor, about loving the person on the other side of the political spectrum? of another religion? about loveing people when you're broken, when it's hard, when you think you have nothing left to give?
because yeah, that's when it matters most.
if you don't have love, you're nothing, and i'm not intentionally quoting from the bible here, but it should be a no brainer to every christian out there anyway.
literally, if you don't love, your whole existance becomes pointless.
lets love people ok?
im not extrordinary, cause im still working on all this, i'm not even a very good christian. but even bad christians should be known for their incredible love.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

every child's fear

Most every child has an imaginary friend growing up, or two, or three, or a dozen. An imaginary friend is one of the best parts of childhood; always there when you want them, always everything you need them to be.
Most every child is also afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the monster under the bed.
The thing lurking in the corner.
The shadow on the wall.
The long dark hallway.
Why is the dark every child's fear? Why are there monsters where there should be none?
Because the dark isn't a thing. it's a nothing, and i think every child understands that monsters are really real, and that the things we don't know or understand can hurt us. A child at night understands just how small and insignificant they really are in the world.
They are made to live in the light, but at night, that's taken away, and we're left to ourselves, our imaginations, and our human fear.
But then we all grow up, and we explain away our fears, and we develop an egotistical and overinflated sense of self worth, that we're bigger than we really are, and nothing can hurt us, that we're far more important in this world than we really are.
Other's live their entire lives in fear. maybe not fear of the dark or fear of monsters, but fear, fear of loosing this job or that relationship, fear of this boss or that friend.
Fear of never measuring up to other's expectations, of never being good enough, of never achieving enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not athletic enough, not beautiful enough, not strong enough.
never being the perfect spouse, never being the perfect christian, the perfect son, the perfect daughter, the perfect brother, sister, or friend.
For some of us the monsters never really go away, they just.. change form.
But monsters are always monsters.
fear is like a seed, if you don't cut it, it will grow, and it will fester, day in and day out, until it's riding on your back holding the reigns
The thing about monsters is they can always be tamed. I'm quite good friends with my imaginary monsters that lurk in various places around the house at night, sometimes i like to meet up with them and have tea together, you know, catch up and reminisce about reading 'frankenstein' and 'dr jekyle and mr hyde' when i was only six.
as far as all my other fears go, well, i know i don't have to be strong enough, there are others to help bear that burden.
i'm not afraid to loose this job or that one, god's never failed me yet, and i doubt he'll start now.
i'm human, i'm never gonna be perfect on this side of death. actually, i can't really tell you how to conquer fear and move on couragously, haven't quite got the hang of it myself yet, and that's ok. i'll tell you all if i do figure it out.
but whatever you do, don't let it rule you. get help if you have to. it's never a good thing to live in fear.
so no, there's no real closure to this topic for me, i haven't lived long enough or seen enough of life to really understand much about overcoming fear.
but from what i do know and i have seen, we're all just children pretending to be adults, and none of us really knows what's going on, cause none of us can see the big picture.
and in the end we all have monsters that we never got rid of, just don't let them control you. they're hard to get back under control.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


once in a while i get really, really tired of reading books for girls or articles by christian people about modesty in girls.
not because i'm not a christian or that i have no modesty and just want to flaunt my body for the sake of the world (or the male gender's) attention.
but because many of these articles and books condemn girls for dressing "immodestly" and not "honoring god" with there clothes and causing men/boys to stumble.
and since there's no hard and fast rules in the bible about how much skin you can show before you're 'immodest' and since what is 'modest' is largely socially fluid, i often become quite frustrated.
also here is a satirical article that pretty much sums up what i think about the general idea of forcing women to "modestly"

and also this one, which is not at all satirical in nature and was actually quite good.

Monday, July 21, 2014

enter the impala

life's been going by so fast lately. As soon as I get used to something new it all changes. particularly my work schedule. people keep leaving.
and then there's school, that's going ok, a little slow since I keep getting stuck, but ok.
we took a trip to Hawaii for my sister's jr national judo tournament. that was a fun trip, though I was sick for a good part of it.
for the last couple of weeks i've been super stressed. i still am a little stressed. but at least work has settled down a little bit.
so we got back and i've been looking at getting a car. but not just any car, i want an impala. an older one.
I love the sound of old cars when you close the doors.
well, i found one, about an hour and a half away from us i think. my brother called him, but he had sold it he said.
then mom comes into my bedroom when i'm trying to sleep all, "lauren, wake up, put a shirt on and wait here, i'll be back in a minute to get you." i was half asleep. "mom, i'm wearing a shirt, what do you need?"
so she goes out, and about seven minutes later everyone in my family hurries into my room with a blindfold.
so they blindfolded me and lead me upstairs asking me how i wanted to die, of all things.
out on the porch thy put a piece of paper in my hand and told me to look down at it, then they took the blind fold off.
at first i wasn't sure what i was holding, and when i did read it i wasn't sure what to think. except that it was crazy wonderful and couldn't actually be happening. but i was excited and started to laugh. but then i realized it was actually happening. my brother had bought and towed home the '69 chevy impala that i'd been wanting so bad and he had given it to me as a graduation gift.
my laugh kind of turned into crying and i hugged my brother. then we all walked across the driveway to see it.
so, my brother is officially one of the most generous people i know.
the car itself isn't running, it's complete rebuild. it needs a new engine, new battery, new brakes, new ignition/cylinder, new interior. pretty much new everything.
and a new paintjob.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

valentine's day, a day to love?

This valentine's day I spent with a friend of mine holed up in her cabin watching hotel transylvania, supernatural, buffy the vampire slayer, endor's game, and V for Vendetta.
we pigged out on oreos, skittles, pizza and way too much tv. (i also didn't gain back a pound that I've lost in the past two weeks, which is a miracle and also fabulous.)
We are both single and both dreaded valentine's day. Two days later I still don't like to think about valentines day.
you could say I hate valentine's day. it could pretty much just be called "lovers day" and leave it at that. if you know me well at all you know that for the past few years I've had to watch my friends grow up, move away to college, get girlfriends or boyfriends, and get married. And you would know that I've been sidelined from that and have not liked it.
at all.
did you know it's possible to get a sugar hang over?
apparently it is. and it was miserable. it knocked me out for most of Saturday afternoon and evening.
sports drinks and eggs help with that.
anyway, the day after valentine's day, at about 8:00 a car pulled into the driveway and as close to the front deck as is possible. it kinda freaked mom out, i mean, who in the world?
moments later a woman walks up with a small vase of roses asking for me. mom was confounded and I was only slightly astonished.
someone had sent ME roses.

I signed for them and stared at them and tried not to bawl as i read the note that came with them.

they had come from a friend who had seen a note that I had posted on fb  days before valentines. and she had sent me flowers.
she said that I was a sweet girl and her mother had started a tradition of valentine's not just being about sweethearts but about just loving people. that she hoped someday those roses would be from my dream man. and that she hoped she wasn't a creeper.
of course she's not a creeper.

That was kind of a perspective changer on valentine's day.
what if I could bless some other gal who's just as lonely as I was? what if valentine's isn't just about your significant other, but just about loving other people in general?
because I know i'm not the only single gal out there right now.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Over the last couple months i've been told i'm just not as happy as I was. I don't know if that's true or not, but that's the observation that has been made.
well, I can't actually say it's not true, because on some level it is. And life has left me we with a lot to think about.
late last year someone I knew commented suicide. I say "someone I knew" because it was a couple years ago that we used to hangout at the local stables and ride and we hung out at the fair and practiced martial arts together for a while (she gave me a sprained ankle that made me wear a brace for about a year.) but our friendship wasn't anything that really took off since she left the state and we didn't really reconnect when she came back.
but she committed suicide, because of the circumstances surrounding it i don't really feel free to write much about it.
and dealing with the events before Christmas.
but all that I can handle just fine. no sweat. I just hop over to a friend's house for a couple days while things cool down.
But what do you do when someone who was your best friend in the world becomes almost just the opposite?
I was raised a military brat. If there's one thing I know about people it's that no one really stays around except family. I"m used to friends coming and going. so much so that sometimes after i've known someone for a year or to i'll start to emotionally pull away from them because in the back of my head I think they are going to leave me and my heart will break. and then I slap myself and remember my dad is retired and no one is going anywhere.
my brother joined the military, before he left we were about as close as two siblings could be, now he's almost the exact opposite.
not only is he distant, but sometimes he's downright hurtful.
and that's almost worse than being gone.
and yeah, maybe that sounds harsh, hurtful. but he has everything. or could have everything he's wanted since he was a kid, and he's throwing it away or letting it slip through his fingers.
and watching him through it away is pretty darn hurtful.