Wednesday, November 30, 2011

my brother has a bone to pick with me... he only got one piece of pie. every one only got one piece. it was good. it was like... an apple, cream cheese, pudding crusted... thing.... it wasn't a cheesecake I don't think. what ever it was, it was good. :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

uhg. my lil sis got sick at judo tonight. just puked in the gym. :( so we had to leave early.
Regardless, I still managed to get lectured. I can't seem to get my left and right grips set up for the correct throw. blarg. oh well.
I also found out that the refs were discussing throwing me out of the tournament. grrr. because of my earrings.
I wasn't even going to compete. I was asked to by the table, and they were discussing throwing me out?
I don't think i'm gonna fight this next one cause I still can't take them out. and if they ask me to fight even if they ask.
but considering the fact that I'm a big softy I probably will.
there was a new white belt there today as well.
it makes me wonder how long he'll last. I think he does other martial arts so he may stay. IDK. we get quite a few white belts that come and go. :P
so. it should be interesting.
watching 'man vs. wild'
EEEeeeewww!! he just ate the fish eyeball... you know how disgusting those are and how hard they are to dig out of the fish's head?! hard. at least he could play fish head baseball with his camera man on his spare time.
Now that is a fun sport.
it's like baseball but instead of a ball you use a fish head and instead of a bad you use a shovel. The bases are pieces of firewood.
the ball is only good for about three innings before you have to find another one because it's falling aprt in the pitcher's hand from being hit with the shovel. that is one disgusting noise.

going to judo tonight, that should be fun. every one told me that I needed to cut my hair so I want to know what they have to say about it.
do you know how painful it is to get dragged around my the short hairs at the back of your neck? painful... it's not a nice sport.
I let my sister curl my hair yesterday. not so bad if I keep it pulled back even part way, and if my bangs aren't curled it's good. otherwise I don't care for it....

when it's straight it's not so bad I guess....


to love is to be vulnerable
to trust is to bare yourself and believe that the other person won't rip you apart.
to be courageous is to do what you need to despite the fear. the hard thing.

Monday, November 28, 2011

alright I removed the last post and I apologize for my indiscretion in what I said.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Saturday, November 26, 2011

a pic I just felt like doing. I have told the camera funny.... eek, I cut off my finger!! haha lols.

it's down to my lower/mid back. my head is inclined forward. :P I'm gonna get it cut. I"m kinda nervous. :)
btw, my shirt says 'kodakan' across and 'Judo' down. :) worn over a red hoodie.
have you ever woken up in the mourning and just known it was way to early to get up and wanted to look at the clock but your eyes felt like they were glued shut?
that is the most interesting, most annoying feeling ever. some times once you get your eyes open your eyeballs still won't move. weirdest thing ever. BTW when I did look at the clock it was 5:55. I went back to sleep.
I also woke up and my eyes and chest felt like I had cried a river of tears. Not bad, except that I didn't cry... :0
that I found interesting...
then I thought about the question, "what if my brother HAD been able to go to basic this year?" I can not imagine telling him all this through letters. he already thinks something is up if I don't come and sit on the floor in his room and talk to him after counciling. even if I don't have much to say or anything I still just sit on the floor in his room.
I did not want to think about what might have happened. I'm just thankful God didn't let him leave quite yet. BTW, he won't be leaving till sometime next year. :P
I probably will not be at square dancing tonight. oh well. there's always two weeks from now.
 I need to get dressed up and take a pic for the OYAN thingermajigger.
I also need to scan something into the computer.
find out what's for breakfast.
I should probably go ride to day *looks outside* it's dark out though so... figure that out later.
get the hair cut.
oh, I could write and email to my mentor, and maybe I could go see her later. that could be fun.
don't you just love lists?

Friday, November 25, 2011

even more stuff.

Today has been good so far. I'm sitting facing the window to the left of the computer with the key board in my lap typing as the snow falls quickly outside and my sister curls my hair.
right now my hair is light brown and down to mid/lower/ back.  So, fairly long; She likes to curl is and play with it. I'll have to take some pics of it and  post them.
why? because tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut. Short. probably about shoulder length. I don't know if sis will be able to curl it then. it would be very poofy. not that it won't be already. it's very thick so cutting it short will probably be interesting, but I'll probably keep it pull back in pony tails so it doesn't go wacko on me. :P
it's gonna be fun.
although on the flip side is that it won't cover my neck very well when I go snowboarding. I forgot to take that into consideration. hhhmmmm.... I can just see myself snowboarding down the mt. and getting hung up, doing a face-plant and getting snow shoved down my back, as well as getting frozen and tangled and stuff. :P
this will definitely be interesting.
I won't have had my hair that short since I was little and I looked ugly. hmmm...... at least I think I did. :P

Oh, yeah. thanksgiving went well. We went over to some friends house. and of course, like every other thanksgiving, there was no one there for me to hang out with. bummer. oh well. I shouldn't complain, it was awesome. I watched a game of Settlers of Catan.
and desert was amazing. pecan bars and apple pie bars and pumpkin pie bars and stuff. and we all said what we were thankful for, sang some hymns and hung out. :)
I didn't end up doing much really. I went downstairs and read a little (with permission) and rested.

it's really snowing outside.

It think we are watching the Return of the King tonight. I don't know what every body else is doing today though. I think I might do some sewing. Or drawing.  I kinda want to do some drawing cause I haven't done anything for a while, but I don't know what to draw. when I draw I've always felt inspired to do it and I haven't felt that lately. for anything. Not drawing, not bead work, not sewing really, Not much of anything.  I really want to go and play Frisbee tomorrow but I don't think I can make it. I think I'll stick to dancing.

Dancing is epic. I really miss ballroom dancing but square-dancing is fun too. that's tomorrow evening. Should be fun. It hink my friend is going to be there.
last time she was over we decided that our other friend would be really funny drunk. we were talking about rum, whiskey, vodka and wine. not for any particular reason that I can remember. We don't drink or anything and the only alcohol we have in the house is rubbing alcohol and  what ever is in the Vanilla extract.  :P so I don't remember how we got there.
oh, maybe it was we were talking about my friends teasing me about being high. though I don't see a solid connection there.
I fell over again last night for no reason. lol that started another of those conversations and one of the little kids asked if being high was why I had gotten a second piercing. the goof.
the point was. my friends are going to be at the dance. I think. I hope. I really like my buddies.

this is a very long post.

Oh, yesterday coming out of my friend's house I was carrying a bowl of rolls and I slipped on the stairs. and broke the bowl. that was interesting.
Riding my my brother's truck is interesting. He was going to pull broddies with me but he couldn't get enough traction. bummer. it would have been fun, ether way we were ahead of mom and dad (who were in the van with the littles) when we pulled into the parking lot to mess around and they fallowed us until bro started swerving around. then they left. and we decided not to try anymore because there were to many cars around. i wish we could have though. He's taken my little sister and my little bro but we haven't gotten the chance yet. :P

oh, I remembered what the guys are going to do. they are going to shoot the rooster!!!! apparently our rooster is an evil one and attacked mom so he is going to be done away with and put in our freezer. last time we killed the chickens it was interesting. the little bro killed on with a machete. :) it was kinda sad though to. talking to chickens when your sad  can be therapeutic. they are REALLY dumb birds. not as dumb as grouse but really dumb all the same.  We've taken multiple shots at those brids before they even thought to fly away. They are really dumb.

and the little sis is done with my hair so I'm gone. If you made it through this entire post without skipping anything than you deserve a medal.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


 Psalm 100:4-5
4 Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,
         And into His courts with praise.
         Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
 5 For the LORD is good;
         His mercy is everlasting,
         And His truth endures to all generations.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Today we get to remember how much we are blessed. It's something we should be doing all year, but, I regret to say, I don't. that is one regret of mine but oh well.

Possibly the best quote ever....

one of the questions I have been asked is, "who hears you when you cry, when your soul cries?"
I think Grima wormtongue  says it better.

"Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, the walls of your bower closing in about you, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in? So fair, yet so cold like a morning of pale Spring still clinging to Winter's chill."

note: this post has been edited since comments were written.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I"m glad to know that my friends wouldn't hit me with a bus.
if I have not trust at least I have honesty.
I got that going for me.
happy thanksgiving!!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

today's counciling was tough I guess.
I need to go sew. I don't really want to talk about it.
 I find this all very interesting. maybe you can make something of it.

according to a recant servery of my mom I:
rarely lose my temper
rarely invite people to know what is going on inside of me
avoid asking for help
hates to impose on people
is very concerned with what people think of me
rarely laughs uncontrollably
hates conflict or having people upset
 is quietly, pleasantly detached from deep involvement with people
rarely expresses soft feelings such as sorrow, tenderness or fear
tends to take charge
avoids appearing weak
is sensitive when snubbed
doesn't let people get close to her
is hard to pin down
has wild or moderate but noticeable mood swings
is easily hurt
goes into depression when some one wounds her

little bro, age, 13:
loves to help people
places a high value on keeping the peace
rarely loses temper
rarely invites to be known
is energetic
hates to impose
rarely laughs uncontrollably
hates conflict
apologises a lot
tends to take charge
is easy to respect
likes to air her own opinions
likes to have the last word
can silence with a look
has a biting wit
is confusing and frustrating.

Monday, November 21, 2011


dear patriots, I love you. you are epicly winning at the moment and are staying well ahead of the chiefs and are whipping their buts. please keep it up.
the frozen patriot popsicle

oh, and as far as the previous post goes, I'm not an obama fan. At all. I'm not surprised that she got booed, it hasn't been a good four years.
and she needs a new wardrobe designer... person.

first lady booed.

I can't say I blame them. I personally don't think she had class.

judo, the love/hate

Judo, the love and hate of my existence.
You could say I hate judo really except on the days that I don't have it because when you really get down to it I really quite dislike all the push ups, stand up fighting and step ins.
Then at the tournaments I don't like the butterflies in my stomach. those are the worst ever. I happen to know that my opponent feels as sick to the stomach as I do. I hate knowing I could lose and not being strong enough.
Regardless, I live for the fighting and the grappling. For the tournaments and the butterflies. The buddies and the jokes. learning knew techniques. It's amazing.

what's not amazing is getting punched in the gut when you didn't see it coming... :P I love this stuff. so much fun.

treadmills and weed.

ok. I know, we all know actually, that I cannot walk in a straight line without serious concentration. We also know that I cannot run is a straight line as a result of not being able to walk straight. No matter how hard I try I always end up going in one direction or another or deciding that the floor needs a hug and falling in that general direction. This phenomenon is less noticeable as I avoid having to walk in a straight line.
Did you know that it is possible not to walk in a straight line on a treadmill? It is. I know this from personal experience, believe me.
After half a mile today I decided that today just wasn't a good day to run, due to drifting to far to the side of the treadmill and almost falling off (it is possible) and almost getting the ear buds to the MP3 player caught in the belt. Twice.  yeah that could have been bad. I think that I had decided that the treadmill does not need a hug and trying to give it one could be detrimental to my overall health.
No wonder my friends tease me about being on something. America's got talent people. :)

Oh, my buddy (the one that told me I would care if he busted a cap in my bro's head) also told me that it is legal for the police in my area to sell up to two ounces of weed. I don't know whether it's true or not but I find information like this interesting to look into.
interestingly enough the night I slept alone for the first time my mentor woke up in the middle of the night feeling in on her heart to pray for me. (I know cause she told my mom when my mom talked to her).
yes, I find it fascinating to see God's timing to have a loved mentor pray for me when I needed it.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

bust a cap in his head.

yesterday my friend had some of his buddies over and they played Catan. :P  they were saying I was on something... and I think I was acting like it too. totally fell over.
ended up talking about what I cared about.
some one made a remark and I asked if my face looked like it cared about any thing. The guy promptly put his hand up to my brothers head like it was a gun and told me I would care if he busted a cap in my brother's head.
"I would care then but I don't think you could do it."
*the remainder of the conversation has been edited due to incriminating evidence*
 end conversation.
I think my brother was oblivious to the conversation while it was going on.
I know that the guy wouldn't think about doing that...
The interesting this is that he made me realize that even when I don't think I care about anything I really do care and feel. I just need the right stimulation.
that was a really interesting conversation. I was feeling really kinda bad until that but it sparked something.
the paper plate that I had been scribbling on  was soon poked full of holes and had been torn into pieces.I tore it up with a pen......
It also made me really mad at him. I wonder why?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

my brother bought me white fudge covered oreos. :D
isn't that sweet?
pun intended.
he's awesome. :)

I got up today and the temperature outside was a whopping -12 degrees. without windchill.  I don't think there was wind anyway.
that impressed me. this isn't supposed to happen till January. oh well.
I might be having a friend over today. :) that makes me happy.

Friday, November 18, 2011


crud. mom has slept in my room since she first found out what I was doing to myself and tonight she is sleeping in her room.
I'mnotgonnadieI'mnotgonnadieI'mnotgonnadie. I'm not suicidal I just haven't had the chance to really sleep by myself. I mean I share a room with my sister and all but it was always done after she went to sleep.
this sounds like it's gonna be a long night.
i swear it was only three or four degrees outside this mourning and didn't warm up much during the afternoon. the sun is looking like it will set soon.
the good thing is that for two blissful hours I was able to forget that it was winter. and that was when I was in the car (nice and warm) and it didn't look like winter out because the wind has been blowing so hard it's blown the snow away. so, I almost believed it was only a frosty fall day. :) till I got out of the car.
Last night I went to judo mostly cause I couldn't stay home. Rather it was a toss up between wanting to go and wanting to stay. I ended up going.
When the sensie called me up in front of the class I really did half think that I was in trouble. Why? because of a simple life principle... if nobody is calling me name and the authorities aren't approaching me, all is well. keep my head low and I'll do fine. a good rule to have when the authority has at least 80 pounds on you and can put you down in 30 seconds. roughly. So when he call me name I was all, huh? me? and he called me again. and I came out from the line about half way not knowing what to think. "I called you, come one up. right here."
Actually the whole point of wanting to go last night was to see if I would get promoted. *facepalm*
I was not in trouble, I was being given my second and third stripes on my orange belt. :)
out of five ranks I have only tested twice. :) I keep skipping and have now been boxadon promoted twice.
thank you, God.
I really wanted to be orange third stripe or higher by the end of the year. :)

oh and I forgot another reason. suicidal tendencies. cutting may just be a work up to The Cut. the cut that would end their life. Though I doubt this is the case most of the time.

Thursday, November 17, 2011



for cutters

I have been asked why so many people cut. Why I have cut.
first off i want to say this, if you cut, please stop. please, please don't do it again.
I admit that I did it and that sometimes now it white knuckle not to want it, but it's not something I could wish on others or recomend.
Yes, It seems to help for a time, that it's better to cause yourself physical pain than suffer the emotional pain or what have you. It will only get worse. it helps maybe for a night and a day before you want it again.

so here are the reasons some people cut, I don't know all of them but I will do my best to answer the question.
One reason maybe that we think we aren't good enough we don't make the cut. So we make the cut. Or two. Or three. Or twenty. This can never make us worth more, it's a lie. a dreadful lie.

Anther is atonement. I think, closely linked to acceptance. when you feel as though you have done something terribly wrong and you don't think that you could be forgiven and that you need to pay the price. blood to cover the trespasses. it's that way in the bible isn't it? an innocent lamb for the remission of sins. A twisted form of punishment and atonement, this is only deeper sin. Guilt is the driving force.

For some it may be demonic involvement. Demons that have been excepted into our lives may lie to use and drive us to this.

For still others it may be an escape from pain, better to hurt on the outside than on the inside, but it only lasts for a time before you explode into something much worse.

The opposite may also be true. A lack of pain. When you think that you have stopped feeling or caring. you don't care about what you do to others or about others. You. just. don't. care. and so you cut. Just to feel again.

 if you do cut. I can't beg you hard enough not to. I don't want to see others in that kind of hurt. surrender the blades, please.

there's four reasons. I don't think that that is all of them though. I'm only one person and 15 at that. I can't know everything. but if you have questions I would be happy to do my best to answer them. :)

"you have to realize that you live in a world were you could die for your faith."

Those words have haunted me from the night they were whispered in my ear. why? because they are true and they make me wonder, could I really be ready to die for my faith?  that is a question that I had pondered before I was ever told this and something I think about even more now. I want to do what ever I am called to do, but will have the strength to do it if that is what I am called to do? yes, this question worries me a lot. Mostly because I don't have an answer.
I laid in bed last night thinking about this.

as well as being told that I needed to protect the ones i love, even at the cost of my own life. that was interesting.

I also laid in bed and ended up thinking about suicide bombers. strange night. *sigh*

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

family history, family tree,
yield your history, let me see.
all your secrets I could be.

I don't know what else to say... hrrmmm..
mom and I went out today. we've started going out together once a week (besides counseling days). it was good.... we had coffee at Starbucks and it is absolutely freezing outside; the snowdrifts are moving across the road and I think it is below zero out.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

a peom

if you passed me on the street today would you recognize me?
would you stop and say hello today or would you pull away?
be careful what you do to me, my heart is in your hands,
and if you were to crush me 'twould be hard to make amends.
I"m not the girl I thought I was,
i've come so far so fast
and if a stranger passed me by or even some one I knew
It wouldn't really matter, sad to say but true.
Unless you were a dear old friend
and then my heart would break not bend.
watch me as I make my way,
please don't let me go astray.
if you were to let me go,
I'd not count you as a foe.
don't let me forget from whence I came.
before I started to play this game
now my hearts a stony hall
bereft of tears that never fall.
you may not pick me from the croud,
I never raise my voice aloud.
but deep inside I want your love
but even most from God above.
I stand here in this lonely crowd,
future hanging like a cloud.
meant for more but never wanting
what I thought might be my calling.

When she cries by Britt Nichole. awesome song.....
It's about a cutter.... I can relate... mostly....

I was thinking about something but I forgot what it was, I should be legally blond...

I watched Braveheart with daddy last night. epic movie. Not what I expected but really good. not good for small children and may cause plugged in to go balistic.. I'll have to look into that.
I have counseling today. gotta leave in a little while which reminds me that I have to finish the home work.. mwahahaha.

Monday, November 14, 2011

more stuff. revelation

my brother just clocked me in the face with a flashlight.... that explains my head ache, it was on the bridge of my nose... between the eyes... it was an accident. It hurts though....

 I was reading today in revelation about God being the alpha and omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. It's really comforting to know that God was there before all of this started, that he is here with me now and that he will still be here when It's over. I don't know what all is going to happen with my life or where I'll go but I hope it's something really good. That was really neat for me.

I'm glad to say though that my other brother has gotten very much nicer since mom stopped letting us read so much. we are not allowed to read right now unless it's for school. He really nice right now. :p

counseling is tomorrow, mom had a meltdown last night because I wasn't taking it seriously and making a lot of jokes about it. ;p eating the oreos and making her go crazy and stuff.....

fun times at my house. :P


Possibly one of the best mugs ever. :) it reminds me of a an OYAN friend. :)

One of my latest escapades. :)

I woke up this morning and thought, oh, it's monday.. I should run today....

and then I moved. :)

happy Monday y'all. I'm thankful that I get next week off of school. :)

stay safe, drink your milk, don't run with scissors and buckle your seat belt....

that's all I got to say right now.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I've been called sweet and violent, bloodthirsty and gentle but I have never been called a poor loser than I can remember. God help me stay that way. ;)

my prayer

I heard it said that the moment you begin to lose your fear of a weapon and to love it is the moment that you become unfit to wield it.
I hope that that never happens to me.
I suppose it's why I'm so sensitive when I hurt somebody. I don't want to use it to hurt anyone and hope I never have to; I'm not afraid of what I can do, I"m not even afraid of fighting. I am afraid that one day I won't care whether or not I hurt my opponent. I don't want to become that kind of person.
my prayer when I fight is that I will fight my best, that God would give me strength and that I would lose well if they are just better than me; like I would if I had won. that it would be in God's hands.
I sounds really sappy.
oh, and my back hurts this morning. I didn't get to warm up at all before I faught so I'm tight now.

the tournament I did not *intend* to compete in

I did not intend to compete in the tournament yesterday, so thirty minutes before we had to leave I got up, popped on some make up and got dressed in typical me fashion. Black jeans with a paint splotch, wedged boots, hoody and hair pulled back in a long braid.
We got to the tournament to find that there was only one person in my division and that all five or six people that she could have fought we ether not there or not competing, mostly not there. 
so, after couching the little competitors in warm ups and standing on the sidelines like a good older judoka I was called over to the head table to begin the morning's problems. :)
they wanted me to fight in the tournament as the only other opponent in the division. I think I'm becoming well know. that's the second time they've done that, moving me around in the tournament.
the first problem was finding a gi for me to wear since I hadn't brought mine.... no it wasn't it was finding my registration number. I hadn't brought my card ether so I didn't have my number on me (my questions is that every body knows me there why do I need my number?) so after and age of searching I just had to fill out a new form. :)
and then finding the gi. I ended up wearing my brother's gi pants which are way to big, my friend's brother's gi top which was also way to big and my sister's belt.

I told my friend that my fights were going to be epic but I didn't know just how epic they would be......

the first fight went ok I guess I won by ref's choice again... stink. I spent a lot of time trying to get my arms out of my sleeves, they were to long. I came off and thought I was going to be sick, I was having a hard time breathing and didn't feel good but sensie told me I could do it, that I was a strong girl soo... I went back out.

and that was my last fight of the day.....

ok, so, How did word get around that I was really sensitive about hurting people? oh well not a bad thing, just interesting when a whole bumnch of coaches and ref's and random people that I don't know start asking me if I am going to be all right and that my opponent is going to be all right, it's going to be ok.

I didn't mean to hurt her. I really didn't mean for that to happen. oh well.

Watching by the side of the mat I was told that I could do damage down at nationals, I said it looked like I was mopping up here.... more to cheer myself up than anything. funny thing was that the ref did actually get out the mop and cleaned up the mats after the chick and the medics left.

Yes, I won because I gave the girl a neck injury and she had to go to the hospital in the ambulance. She's going to be ok though. It wasn't to bad.

I feel dangerous. I also get bragging rights... I think.... I am also hoping for some promotion points since she had like.... six or seven ranks on me......


Friday, November 11, 2011

nothing much.

so, I got my ears pierced today, I was only slightly nervous because I remembered crying my head off when I was four and I got my first piercing and like any sane person I don't care to ....... oh boy...... *facepalm*..... irony.....
I was going to say that like any sane person I don't care to intentionally harm myself but considering my recant history I don't think that that is entirely true. I'm laughing to myself as I write this because of the irony.
watching the voyage of the dawn treader with my friends.
we have a tournament tomorrow in which I am not competing though I wish that I was.  *sigh*
well, I have to go.... nothing funny or anything to report here. :) so see ya all later.


"When the student is ready the teacher appears" That is probably one of my most favorite quotes that I have ever come across. Why? because it reminds me to keep myself in check. I don't know everything and I have to be ready and willing to learn. I've had several mentors and I have to say that they are pretty darn awesome. yes, they have a way of seeing our faults but they also see our potential and with those to things combined they can help us to grow. Besides Mom there are three women who have mentored me and only two of those are now alive, when i first moved to my home here I was mentored by my neighbor until she moved and later died.
I've been asked how you "get" a mentor and all I have to say is you don't really, they just come. you can pick and choose in a way but mostly I think it's who you spend the most time with; that older person who is your friend, not just your parent's friend. Even some one younger than that maybe. You just have to be willing to learn something. My mentors now are amazing, I don't know were I would be if i had never met them.

Today is veterans :P I would like to thank all our military men and women to have served, still serve and have made the ultimate and final sacrifice for our country. I can never thank you enough for the freedom you fight for.
you thought bachelors were bad.. when mom and I go into town we get chicken and fries and doughnuts and soda and candy bars.... now wonder I feel kinda fat. :P
-today is my wonderful mother's birthday. :)
-It is also veteran's day.
-I am only wearing one earing.
-I talked in my sleep again.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

yes. I am feeling epic. the snow is ...... oh wait, it stopped falling. bummer.... oh well. it's still an epic day. i'm off of school today.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

spoodilicious (revenge on the therapist)

yes, I sat in my brother's bedroom and plotted my revenge. That's what big brothers are for, sitting and listening to you plot your revenge on the therapist.

"How do you feel?"
"ticked off"
"you aren't angry?"
"I guess"
"what would it look like if you were angry?"
"Not much different"
"Do you ever get angry enough to throw something?"
"I guess (I really want to throw this ball right now)"

Apparently it's not a good idea to keep your feelings locked up inside... *shakes head with sad face* .... or forget stuff cause that doesn't do you any good and freezes your feelings. *nods head*
I'm feeling in rare form right now and goofing off. :)
My opinion is that I forget things I don't care about and what doesn't matter.

"do you often feel rejected?"
"I guess (yes this is one of my favorite answers ever, people really get annoyed over it though)"
"can you give me an example?"
"nah, it doesn't really matter. I don't care if people don't like me, if they don't it's not worth jack to me."

etc., etc.,

In tyler's bed room: (please excuse excessive randomness because yes, I do hold two sided conversations with myself on occasion)

"and the instructions to the homework goes something like this.... ' some people don't like how they feel and choose to "freeze" their feelings. write some of your frozen feelings in the ice cubes pictured to the right'.... I feel destructive can I destroy the ice cubes?"
"and how does that make you feel?"
"Warm and fuzzy like when I take NyQuil?"
"do you abuse substances?"
"I like NyQuil..."

*facepalm* I don't do that I just want to give her a hard time.

"......'this is your feelings bag circle all the feelings that you feel and cross out the ones that you don't. Add feelings that aren't on the list, even make ones up.'..... oh! i'll circle all of them since I have felt them all and add 'zinky and spoodilicious!"
"What's spoodilicious?
"That's when I'm feeling totally amazing, awesome and evil, like, right now. except that i'm really bad at being evil."
"Yes, you are."

 ".... and when she asks how I felt I'll say I don't remember cause I probably won't and that is really bad.... and I'm going to eat all of her  Oreos and forget, that's bad, and I'm not going to feel anything at all, that's really bad."

let's see what else?

I'm going to be very evil to my therapist.
though I won't do anything that will get my family in trouble. at least not on purpose......
I have a lot more stuff but I don't feel like typing it up right now.


p.s. hope you got some laughs out of this. :)


just go t back from therapy. *snigger*
in the car mom asked me how it went.
She said I was laughing and smiling so she couldn't complain but the therapist did come out looking more hared than me.
[insert evil laugh]
at first I was mad enough to cuss. not after that conversation though.
because if I forget about something she called it "burying my emotions"
hmmmm I thought that if it didn't matter whatso ever to me than I was free to forget.
apparently not?
meh, who wants their mind cluttered like a jumkyard full of bad memories? no me. that's why I forget. :)
so. yeah I was ticked at first. :P


I edited my about me page. :) mwahaha ha. ahem. ok. yes. you might want to read it.... and be warned. not that you aren't already.


if one of my days this week is going to be ruined than it might as well be today. :P better today than tomarrow, though I don't apreciate the surprise of finding out it was today when I thought it was tomarrow. grrr.
counceling. bleh. fe fi fo fum. shmurkle. :P (I don't swear but I have to use some explatives to show frustration. :) so I make my own.)

today I am thankful for the littles. my two little siblings. :) if nothing else.

I hope that after counciling mom will take me to wal mart. I want to get my ears peirced again. :)  hurrah. :) and figure out what i"m going to do with the rest of my day other than school. I get tomarrow and friday off. :) the joys of home schooling.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


oh, yes. I. went. snowboarding.
it was amazing. just want to let you know that.I think I have only been to a real ski hill once. my family learned to snowboard down the trails on the mountain which is actually part of a range of mountains. :P I survived the wrecks, crashes, face-plants, injuries and wounded pride that accompany learning the hard way.
and now on my sixth winter I was able to beet the car down the hill on the first trip up there.
yes, we go down the trail; Mom picks us up at the bottom and drives us to the top and we go back down.
Normally I can beat the car down but not normally on the first trip up of the season. I am. happy.
ho yes.
I am happy.
the run was a mile long (we didn't want to risk the longer one so early, we didn't think it would be in great condition) and we beat the car down, despite the all the people, despite the snowboard bindings, despite the pulled muscles. and above all, despite the mountain trying to kill me by tripping me and inverting me into a snowbank!!!!
yes, snowboarding is amazing, my friend. sliding down the mountain, snow in you eyes and hair, the air rushing past and making you cry and freezing your already frozen cheeks while you whiz around trees and roots and try to avoid jumps that you can't see and not get taken out my monstrously evil trees or other punks.

some days the sky is clear and bright and you can see where you are going and life is amazing and you are doing your best hitting ever jump that is in you way except the eight foot one that you watched your brother go off (that didn't turn out well, why i've avoided it) and you feel like you are beating you best time and it's just amazing but then there is other days....

days were heaven meets earth in an intimate kiss.... and you are literally blinded by the sight if you are not wearing goggles.
well, not literally but those are the days when it's really cloudy and it's snowing so hard you can hear the snow rattling off the dead leaves that still cling to the trees all around. On those days if you are not wearing goggles or sunglasses or some sort of eye protection then the main objective of the run is no longer speed or tricks or anything else in particular but SURVIVING!!  I mean when your going down and the snow insists on blowing into your eyes so you are always blinking or wiping your eyes or just leaving them closed (not something I recommend)  that's when all the evil rocks rise up out of the ground and set themselves in your path so that your board hits them and the next think you know you are inverted in a snowbank so that your legs and board are sticking up out of the ground towards the sky like some sort of strange tree and you find that being frosty the snowman is highly overrated and why white washing little kids is a pastime of school bullies. :)
those days are the best.

Well dear reader if you have managed to get through this entire post and make sense of it than I congratulate you. have a meddle.


I don't normally talk in my sleep. imagine my surprise when mom asked me who I was talking to last night.
she said I was talking to Vesper. that I has said something about "go" but she didn't know what that meant.

I dunno.

she said I needed to tell Vesper to go, that she is more than a character.
I. don't. know. who. Vesper. is. to tell her to go. she is just a friggen charrie. for all of you who don't know what a charrie is it's a character.


I haven't even had a conversation with any of my charries in ages.  why start talking to some one in the middle of the night? shoot, I could stop writing her story. that might kill her, it may not though because I started writing it to begin with and I don't see anything wrong with it. I'm plotted it all out and I know the end.


Monday, November 7, 2011

I really love it when people sign my guestbook. just so you all know. :)

stupid mistakes

a simple key for my parents to figure out who dun it..

1) Did who ever did this make a mistake when the did it?
no.................................................. tyler or the littles probably did it

2) was the mistake a simple error or a stupid mistake?
error............................................................the littles probably did it.
stupid mistake....................................................I most likely did it.

the littles don't often make stupid mistakes, that's my job.

today's stupid mistake: eating breakfast and then deciding today would be a good day to run.
At about 3/4 mile I started tasting breakfast and had to walk for a few minutes or suffer the sight of breakfast.
regardless I finished the mile in 12 minutes.
remind me not to eat before running.
what am  I thankful for today? I don't know.
the most wonderful thing about tigger is... I'm the only one!

Sunday, November 6, 2011


apparently I need to put tittles on my posts. I never know who commented on what.

Isaiah 41:10

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

these verses were sent to me recently by my dear friend Priscilla and I wanted to share them with you all. She sent them to me when I was feeling really bad about therapy (for cutting) and stuff. I've also seen the first one around Facebook. I think it is one of my favorites now it's encouraged me quite a bit. :) I'm thankful that God is my God and promises to uphold me cause my own strength isn't enough sometimes lately. I want to fight this but I"m not exactly sure how. :(
so i have therapy. some of the questions are interesting, like,
"is there a particular knife you feel like you have a relationship with?"
"well... I don't use serrated knives.... and I'm not sure (how you can have a relationship with a non-living object?) but I guess I like my black one though any one will do......"  so... it's interestingly awful.
and there's some questions that I don't talk about with my friends let alone some on I don't know... can you say awkward?
"have you experimented with sex?"
"I'm virgin" *facepalm* can you say awkward? i'm 15 for crying out loud! and home schooled! how did I get on this topic?

anyway. I don't want to do this but I have to. bummer. oh well.  I'll trust his hand to uphold me and help me come through this alive.
yes, some people are afraid that I could actually commit suicide....*headesk* I don't think I could do that if I wanted to. self murder......... another creepy question.
"have you ever thought suicidally/ do you have a plan for suicide?"
"................... doesn't every one? (at some point in their existence?)"
"no" (aren't therapists supposed to say something like that?)

anyway, suicide seems to me a bit like "being dismayed" so I know that even if I was suicidal he would bring me through. If I leaned on him. If I didn't I don't think I would make it.

what ever happens he will uphold me. that's my hope.


I think this blog should almost be rated PG or something... *facepalm*

interesting fact: my little siblings know nothing of what is gong on.

"The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater"
dance as if no one were watching, sing as if no one were listening, love like it will never hurt. live like you will die tomorrow

gotta ask if I can do some stuff to make sure I get back to survival next year.
I also want to talk to a friend to make sure he doesn't do anything idiotic next year if he goes.
smurkle. (yup just made a word)
I"m thankful for..... Survival. yup.
Some of the people cemented that week in my mind so that I didn't know whether or not I was awake or asleep I was so tired. It was fun though, I can't wait to go back.
especially for the last night.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I got shot in the eye. in the dadgum eye. how did I end up with the one shot nerf gun anyway?


Nerf wars... all the way.
the littles and my older bro all have six shot rapid fire blasters or something like that. My dad has a one shot pea shooter.
it's so funny and pathetic to watch the three of them gang up on dad.
Daddy took me to shoot the AR-15 as promised it was AWESOME!! [insert evil laugh] meh heh heh. ok so I hit the bull's eye once, we can blame it on the sites though. I consistently hit the same area. I was aiming were he told me to but always got a little lower and to the right of the intended target. bummer. but it was fun. and then got to shoot the Glock. that little pistol is nifty. :) meh heh heh. I did actually hit the bull's eye with that one. :)
I feel powerful. JK JK.
I"m being nice today and I don't even have incentive.
today I am thankful for the AR-15 that daddy is supposed to take me to go shoot. :P
and friends who got my back. very thankful for them.
and socks. if I woke up on christmas morning to find socks under the tree that would actually be cool with me. :)toe socks, easter socks, fuzzy pink socks, wool socks....

Friday, November 4, 2011

I was doing laundry today (I sort the laundry in my family) and I was thinking(I do that quite a lot you know) and I was trying to find incentive not to marry when I'm older. specifically I was thinking that a good reason not to get married (not that I have prospects, I'm only 15) would be that if I got married i'd have to do his laundry and that would be... weird.
and then the tables turned. the idea popped into my head that it would actually be downsizing the amount of laundry I have to sort. *headesk*
I didn't even know why I was thinking about it. I will never be able to use that reasoning again. i'm scarred for life. JK JK JK.

BTW, who new I could be productive when I was bored? today has been amazing.
the strange thing about secrets is that you ache to tell some one to help you but then you have to remember who you told. Were if everything is up front then you you don't have to worry, but then would they love you if they knew everything about you? A true friend stays by you even through the bad, every one else is driven off. perhaps I'm wrong.
I'm thankful for visitor comments so if you visit or keep up with this blog please comment! or sign the guest-book.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I like tigers
I like snowboarding
I hate therapy.
some one comment and tell me I need to give it a shot. cause I really don't want to.
I want to know so bad how the sith and jedi topic is going and how warrior is doing in writing it up as a story. :P
I miss Warrior. :)

bros and counceling.

lets see, today I am thankful for brothers. :) They are awesome and let you give them hugs. or at least mine does. a girl without a brother to hug is missing out. so today that's what I'm thankful for.

the other thing that is on my mind today is counseling.
Mom set up an appointment for me today to see a counselor.
that was my worst case scenario option...... bummer. I do not want to see a counselor. I'll tell you how it goes though.
I'll probably come home and cry or something. meh. rrrrrrrrrrrr........
see ya. gotta get school done before I go. probably won't be at judo tonight. rrrrr....
ok I'm done. that's what's going on with me.
i thought I was trying to move one to happier topics. apparently not?
well, mom said it was for her too anyway. meh heh heh. that's my evil chuckle again.
so long,

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I'm impersonating my brother on FB don't tell him that though. k?
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." ~C.S Lewis

wind and running

crud. it's windy out. I don't think I want to go riding today.
not with the temp at 32 degrees and the wind at 30 mph roughly. bleh. not as strong as this morning though. gust of 55 i think. meh.
oh well.
the good thing is that I finally got to start running this week after months of waiting to start. so that is awesome. even if my time is really bad right now....
I'm not idiot enough to put it on here for you all to laugh at me.

oh, and the last of the cuts  have about healed. :) which is really good because right now I wear leggings to hide them (they are on my legs) and that gets tiresome.
my partner almost ripped them at judo last night. he was trying to modify a throw. :) grabbed my leggings along with my pants and ripped them. darn it. the goof ball found out that the throw he thought he had modified was actually already made and named something weird that I don't even remember. lolz.
the clown turned and looked at me and said, "hey I know i'm not hot, i'm just the comedian ok?"
the goofball. that would be in reply to my telling him, "hey, you're not that hot." he was goofing off when we were supposed to be listening. besides. he's only 13 he needed to be taken down. :P actually when he's older he'll probably be like his older brothers. pft.......
"she didn't slap you as hard as she could have."
"that's cause she's my friend."
"you know the sounds a steak makes when you punch it?"
"that's what it sounds like when she's mad and hauls off."

-convo between the guys. :P


apparently for all you men out there it's "no shave November." so... don't shave!!! or at least not until thanksgiving.
 It's a good thing it's not for girls. meh heh heh. you wouldn't want us walking around unshaved. bleh.


Today I am thankful for........ CHOCOLATE!!!! even though I don't have any right now. it's out there some where and I'm thankful for it.
There's probably some up in the cupboard but I think it's unopened and I cant reseal a plastic bag once it's been opened. unless it's one of the zip-closing ones.
meh heh heh (yes, that's my evil chuckle.)

have a great november. think about what you're thankful for since it's thanksgiving month.
after thanksgiving we get to set up the Christmas tree. :)


erm..... it feels odd calling myself Haley. I mean, I've called myself Haley for ages, here and on the Rebelution  but it's not actually my name. Well, it's my middle name. any way..... my first name is much cooler.

ok. I"m gone. see ya.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


O_o if you have never jumped on the bed or worn ribbons in your hair.... your missing out.


My water bottle lid is rowing. I think ill take care of that after class. hmmm.
sounds like a good idea to me.
a normal post. lol.
life isn't back to normal yet.
I'ts snowy, cold and windy. My head is in the clouds.
How did you all's Halloween go?
Mine was good :) slapped a guy and that just makes life better for me. :P sorry but it does.
guy 1: *uses language*
guy 2: hey watch your language.
guy 3: there is ladies present.
me (the lady present):..........
guy 1: *uses more language* sorry not used to it.
guy 3: there is a lady present. Watch it. *leaves*

guy 1&2: *talking*
me: listening
guy 1: *makes gestures* .... it comes at you explodes and hits you in the chest. It hurts like a B---h.
guy 2: hey! watch your mouth kid.
me: can I smack him?
guy 2: yes.

ho, yes.  that was the most interesting part of my day. by far. well other than by friend talking about a paper cut war and me uh....... illustrating a paper cut war. don't worry I wouldn't use paper. paper cut hurt differently. lol.