Sunday, December 8, 2013


lately I have fallen prey to the TV show "supernatural." A series that follows the adventures of Sam and Dean Winchester as they go about "Saving people and hunting things, the family business." Which usually means hunting and killing everything from ghosts to hellhounds to sending demons back to hell. Along the way they pick up some angelic companions in the attempt to keep Lucifer from being released from the pit and beyond.
The show does raise some interesting points though. Until season four the main goal of the two heroes is to find and kill the yellow eyed demon Azazel, the demon who killed their grandparents, their mother and sam's girlfriend.
Through these seasons the two brothers and their father (spoilers, he dies) learn that their soft spots are each other and that they will go to great lengths, even trading their souls, to save the other's life. At the end of season three, it's time to collect, and Dean is killed and his soul is dragged into hell.
The interesting thing here is how they portray hell. It is actually a place you would never, ever want to be. Dean is chained in darkness. absolutely alone at first. Then later (four months later after he's rescued) he says that time works differently, and on earth it was four months, but there it was forty years, and he was tortured by the demons every day until there was nothing left, then he was made whole again and it started all over (dante's inferno anyone?) then, after thirty years of torture, he was made to torture the other souls in hell. For ten years. he describes the emptiness and regret that he can never be forgiven for these things.
The third season ends with dean chained in darkness, utterly alone, ripped to shreds,and screaming for sam, who can't save him.
Where the third season leaves off the fourth begins, with dean being miraculously saved from hell by an unknown source. (later revealed to be an angel acting on God's command.) Since Dean, Sam, and Bobby have no idea who it is that saves dean they decide to consult a psychic who tries to conjure up the being. This ends in her eyeballs being fried out of her head. yeah, it's never a good idea to employ a psychic to conjure angels. it reminds me of saul and the medium. when will they learn?
since Castiel, the "angle of the lord" confronts Dean about the existence of God and Angels Dean wrestles with the existence of God and why bad things happen to good people, why doesn't God step down and stop all the horrible things? because, after all, Sam and Dean can't save everyone. He wrestles with the thought that God takes a specific interest in him as a person. When the angels tell him he needs to get out of town because they are going to destroy it just to keep one witch from raising the a powerful demon, on God's orders, he struggles with how God can raze thousands of people just to get rid of one. He defies them and goes on to find and destroy the demons. In the end he's told that the angels orders were never to destroy the town, their orders were to do whatever dean told them to do, but that it had been at test, and Castiel "loved people, because they were his father's beautiful creations."
As it continues Dean struggles with the concept and character of God and angels, though he sides with them when he clashes with his brother Sam, who although seems morally good, is being deceived and played like a pawn by some pretty evil demons. and he doesn't really know it.
and somewhere on that note, we left off watching supernatural that night. or maybe we watched some more, I don't remember. it was late at night, or early in the morning.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

catching fire

admittedly my biggest desire to see catching fire was that I wanted to see the costumes.
it is a horrible movie. I mean, it was amazing, on the big screen, it was fantastic. but in a horrible i-dont-want-to-be-in-the-hunger-games sort of way.
as always I don't like katniss very much. she has a confused look permanently stuck on her face and she's utterly clueless.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


well, ya know, the age old debate vs. free will and destiny?  well, I'm not quite sure which side i'm on, but whatever you believe in, fate, destiny, divine providence, free will, it seems to take pleasure in messing with my family.
I don't really know what to say right now, I really don't.
I'm hurt.
I'm angry.
I'm shaken.
I'm scared.
I feel like i've been shaken to my core, like my whole view of people, life, and the world has been shaken. I've known since I was young that the world wasn't a nice place, because of experiences that not even my closes friends know about.
I think the only thing that hasn't been shaken is my faith that God will take care of me, and even then I am just trying to understand why He's is letting the things happen that are happening. What he's trying to teach me.

Saturday, September 21, 2013


work is work, but it's kinda fun when you get to have theological and scientific discussions with your coworker when you're supposed to be working.
and I get paid holidays.
so it's good. :)
percy jackson: sea of monsters is in theaters, so a friend of mine and I are going to see it.

this friend and I have been discussing personality types and introversion and stuff based on the Briggs-Meyer tests.
when I told her what my type supposedly is she agreed with me, and, when I said I didn't think I knew anyone with me time, she informed me I wouldn't get along with my type anyway. She pointed out that her cousin is the same type.
her cousin doesn't give me the "we'll hit it off great" vibe and we wouldn't get along, yes, I did tell her so.
She said she knows we wouldn't in her words, "you both have walls around your inner world and they would collide and no further progress would be made. it would take a herculean effort for the two of you  to hold a conversation without help. You're the same kind of introvert."
upon explaining this to my mother it has become necessary to explain that there seem to be different kinds of introverts.
unless you're familiar with briggs-meyer it would be pointless to explain, and if you are, it would still be pointless because you already know.
but there's two types of introverts, those like you, and those not like you.
and one of them I can hold a conversation with and other one i'm still working on. :P

Monday, September 2, 2013


friday one of my friends came over to spend the night. that was lots of fun. of course it was fun, we had a giant bag of peanut butter m&ms. with enough sugar, anything is fun.
Unlike most sleepovers, I didn't stay up late, she did, sorta. we had the laptop on the bed with us and we were supposed to be watching snow white and the huntsman, but mostly it was just she was watching it and I went to sleep. She shut it off half way through though and we finished it in the morning.
she also cracked my back for me, which was like, heavenly.
She took me to mass with her (she's catholic, i'm not) which was interesting to say the least. I can't say I don't enjoy the tradition of it. i can say, WHAT IS GOING ON????? cause I was lost most of the time.

work has been going well. I enjoy hanging out with my coworker, she's cool. kinda like a cross between anne of green gabbles and a librarian. and she can draw. she's cool. and really funny when it comes the the mormon boys to who come in to work out.
The radio in the kids room is kinda old. it doesn't read half the songs on the CDs. so we all have to listen to the same six song over and over again. it's sad. :P

my brother didn't pass one of his tests. now he won't be home when he was scheduled to be back. -.- i'm not happy bob, not happy.

there's termination dust on the tops of the mountains. fall is here and winter is coming soon.

Saturday, August 17, 2013


life got pretty busy lately. God is so gracious. I've been trying to find a job, pretty much any job since I started college, to pay for it. I applied for a cleaning job at a local gym, even though I really didn't want to. bleh. cleaning. Not only did I get a job there, but I got child care which I immensely prefer over cleaning.
Not just one job, but two.
I was offered a job at a local stable, as a feeder, their policy is not to hire anyone under 18, but they made an exception for me. I did not even apply or interview, but the manager offered me the job, thanks to my mom and brothers working there. ;)
Then there is school. I took Introductory Sociology on Monday and passed the CLEP with a 51. it was a difficult test for me, and I've been studying nearly every day for several months. I was tired and I think that played into it.
This last week, if I'm not working I'm sleeping or chilling, I got permission from my coach to take the week off from school cause I've earned it; but I get up and go to work, I haven't even given myself time to eat breakfast, which I don't really mind, I'm not really a breakfast person anyway.
but today is Saturday, and I got to sleep in late. and eat an enormous, leisurely breakfast, without having to worry about being late which did two things.
One, it made me appreciate the weekend more, and work.
Two, it also made me appreciate my Mom more. Due to my own lack of interest in driving, I'm still learning, so mom has to take me or accompany  me places, every week day, and on the weekends, she has to be at her own job early in the morning. She also has to pick me up from my job in the evening, which means she never gets to sleep in and doesn't get to bed early. She is like, supermom. and she's mind. you can't have her.
and she let me pierce a third set of rings in my ears.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


went swimming yesterday, got sunburned.
my friend and I decided to take the canoe out, which really, i probably shouldn't be trusted with a canoe at all considering how clumsy I am.
my little brother and his friend decided to ram our canoe with theirs and then tip us into the water.
all well and fine until it completely capsized and I was stuck under it.
you know, the sun on the surface of the water above you is really enchanting. to look at.
until it hits you and you panic and manage to get up and then almost sink the boat in a scramble to hold onto something.
I really hate pond weeds, especially when they get tangled around your legs. bleh.
swimming, diving and boating are all fantastically fun which goes against my fear of water. -.-

Sunday, July 21, 2013


well, I'm not allowed to ride my brother's "deathtrap" dirtbike.
but I have successfully bartered school for going to the lake for the day tomorrow.

fun times.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


I had a degree consultation today and got to choose my electives.
that makes me happy.
I get to study substance abuse, criminal justice, and intro to law enforcement.
why that excites me I don't know. it just does.

Monday, June 3, 2013

a poem an epic friend wrote for me.

She holds her head high
She overcomes allShe touches the skyThough she's not that tall

She watches the weakShe guards the poorShe listens when you speakShe'll welcome you at the door

She is a true friendShe is a great ladyHer loyalty does not bendShe's sweet and not crazy

Tuesday, May 28, 2013


I need to talk to priscilla sometime soon. :P
we haven't talked in forever...

Saturday, May 18, 2013


it's snowing here, right now.
it's very very sad.
winter is supposed to be gone by now, but instead there is more snow...
always winter and never Christmas.
it's very sad. and cold. and sad.
did I mention it was sad?
go home winter, you're drunk.
a dejected spring

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


as it turns out,
the state judo tournament is this Saturday.
long day.
not really looking forward to it.
I shall bring my cell phone.
and the charger.

Friday, May 10, 2013

last night

My therepist had tally marks on his hands.
Made my evening amazing even though they probably had not connection with doctor who for him.
it was about as awesome as finding graffiti in a bathroom that said "don't blink."

Colossians 2:10

10 and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.

That is one of the verses that really stuck out to me last night in my Bible study.
Because i'm seventeen years old and have always been single. It also doesn't look like that is about to change anytime soon.
And you know what?
That is really hard.
Actually, it downright sucks.
Three of my friends are engaged (one is going to be married in a couple days) and others have boyfriends.
Sometimes it's just like, "uh, God? have you forgotten me here? because i'm kinda really lonely and i'm feeling rather forgotten.... My friends have fiances and boy friends and i'm here like, Hey, what about me?"
And you know what?
those are some of the nights I feel closest to God. That's the way it has always been. When Dad was in the military I was often lonely, for similar reasons.
I've learned that loneliness is God's call to spend time with him. I remember when I was probably seven years old, I was lonely, and I remembered the verse in Hebrews that says "For he himself has said 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you.'"
Now, i'm being reminded that not only will he never leave me, but I'm complete in him. 
Usually after i've cried my heart out I end up staring at the ceiling above my bed and remembering several other things.
He knows what's best for me, and in his timing, all my longing will be fulfilled, and it will all be worth it. 
Secondly, I'm not everyone else. For the next two years I will be busy, and while I may enter into a relationship during that time, i'm not ready to be married. Not till I finish school.
and, I really don't see anybody up here that I know of, that I could see myself with. Right now, I don't feel a particular call that says "your man is here and this is where you are gonna be for a long while." 
and finally, while I'm waiting, I'm complete in him. No matter how long it takes for my desires to come true, I'm complete, and whoever God brings into my life, is an extra blessing. A very, very special blessing to fill that longing, but God
That's a comfort to me. 
Most of the time.
It still hurts sometimes.

Sunday, May 5, 2013


Usually I like it.
today it's hurting my stomach.
I need to get ready for church here soon.

Saturday, May 4, 2013


I went to prom last night.
it was scary. At first.
Until my friend Jonnie came over, declared that I was being and introvert at prom and that was wrong, and dragged me out onto the dance floor, where I stood like an idiot until he wasn't looking. Then I slipped back to my place.
Until my friend Arianne go there.
Then she dragged me out too, and I stood there, like an idiot who cant dance. Until I started dancing, after which she promptly told me I could dance and shoved me out into the dance battle.
That was kinda fun. cause at the end of that there was only two of us left.
It was a lot of fun.
more fun than I expected, since to me prom is like a writhing mass of hormonal teenage bodies who didn't wear enough D.O. that reaked.

Saturday, April 27, 2013


I am not a morning person, let's just be clear about that, be fore the past couple days i've been waking up at 5:30. Something that wouldn't be that bad, if I wasn't going to sleep at midnight, like i did last night. My two lovely younger siblings decided to go to a friends house and stay late.
Mom and Dad went to bed and i was designated to stay up and wait for them to get home. Which they did at about 11:30.
I just crashed on the couch and watched Jason bourne beat people up for two movies. Don't ask me which movies they were, I couldn't tell you. The Bourne Legecy is still the best one in my opinion.
We are babysitting a four year old girl right now. She's very sweet. She's staying with her dad and he brings her to us when he works.
She loves mom, but at first she wouldn't talk to dad.
She is very opinionated. I asked her to get dressed this morning and she asked why I got to choose for her when she had to get dressed. I said it was because she was four and it was time to get dressed. She stated very decidedly that she wanted to get bigger so that she could make her own rules and stay in her pajamas all day. I told her when she was older she could do that, I certainty do stuff like that (but not really because I don't like pajamas. I just sleep in whatever i am wearing that day and change in the morning, pajamas are just... dunno, tacky i guess.).
she did eventually comply when I gave her the choice of changing in my room or the bathroom. She chose my room of course. who wouldn't? it's awesome. Well, I do need to vacuum it.
I had a couple chores to do this morning. so I haven't been able to play with her that much.
I was really sad when she was talking to mom, she wanted to know when her dad was coming and just wants him. That made me sad.
eesh, chores. so much chores. eeesh.
I'm supposed to work on my sister's dress later too. *sigh*
anyway. Not much is going on.
my arm hurts. and I have a feeling it's because I fell on it the other day and it's not healed yet from surgery. erg.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Humanism seems pretty dull after reading the three manifestos.

"As Humanists, we urge today, as in the past that humans not look beyond themselves for salvation. We alone are responsible for our own destiny and the best we can do is muster our intelligence, courage and compassion to realize our highest aspirations." - Paul Kurtz, Humanist Manifesto, 2000

That seems pretty hopeless to me.  Being responsible for my own destiny seems like lot of work since I can't see the future and know what tomorrow holds. If I can't see what is going to happen next then it's awful hard to take control of my own destiny. It is true that I can make choices and do the best with what I've got, but ultimately, I don't know how things are going to work out. I don't know if one of my friends is going to get food poisoning in china, I don't know if someone is going to get in a car crash. circumstances change a lot, I can't predict them. I could die in a car crash, that wasn't part of the destiny I tried to take control of.  Taking control of everything is just... pointless since we cant see the end.
I realize my highest aspirations. 1)become as Christlike as humanly possible. 2) become a councilor, but uh, it takes a lot more than realizing our aspirations to make them happen.
needless to say, I am quite content no being a humanist.

Thursday, April 18, 2013


Thank God it's Thursday.
I like Thursday. Why? I'm not quite sure, especially since there is still one school day left in the week and I'll probably end up doing school on the weekend anyway.
But that's not the point.
The point is that it's Thursday, and Thursdays are amazing. Kind of like Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Monday, not so much.
I get papers returned on Thursdays. That might be something to do with it. I like having my papers returned. cause I like feedback.

Monday, April 15, 2013

On Politics

My family lived in Germany for several (5) years back several years ago. Because I was a military brat then and young I did not understand everything that went on around me as a youngster.
I just knew that all the girls on the German gymnastics team that my sister and I trained on were public schooled and my sister and I were homeschooled.
Since moving back to the U.S. I have missed a lot of stuff about Germany. The food, the sports, the swim-at-your-own-risk mentality at the swimming pool, and that fantastic kid's play places.
I miss that country a lot, and root of their teams a lot during the Olympics, except when they are competing against mine.

I love my country. I really do.
I don't like the fact that the Romeike case has gone to court because the asylum that the family has been giving is in danger of being overturned.

Germany doesn't like homeschooling, actually, they are hostile towards any counter culture. They don't tolerate much that has to do with Hitler or the Holocaust.

Anyway. Our judges and president need to get their butts in gear and do the right thing.

They also need to do the right thing about Gay/lesbian rights. That should be dealt with at the state level, not the federal level.


Sunday, April 14, 2013


Prom is coming.
The theme is "Alice in Wonderland."
Need I say more?

I just need a date.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


Old news, but the german family seeking assylum here?
I'm praying for them.
Germany doesn't allow people to homeschool.

Today, I finished listening to an audio course. Thankfully, it was the annoying one.

I had occupational therepy today.
my hand hurts.
I'm going to take my teddy bear and go to bed.

yeah. I have a teddy bear.
be jealus.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

nothing new

nothing new in my life lately. except for my brother's girlfriend getting mad and me,
and me returning the favor.
pleasant day.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

on a less tense note

my stylist friend rebleached my hair and added blue highlights.
so it's pretty awesome right now.
and one of my friends came back from collage on spring break so we went over to his family's house last night.
that was fun, we got to meet some fun people.

Monday, January 21, 2013

zero dark thirty.

Zero dark thirty.
The movie surrounded with controversy and questions regarding the CIA agent.
The movie rated R for violence, language and nudity.

Yup, went to see it in theatures just last night.
It was a pretty good movie. minus the swearing and nudity, but then, it was accurate to the world of terrorists, torture and spies.

I liked it pretty well.

It's not a movie that I would watch often.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Doctor Who

I received a Sonic Screwdriver for my birthday.
For those of you who don't know what "Doctor Who" is, it is a British Television show about The Doctor, his Tardis, and whatever companion he happens to be traveling with at the time.
TARDIS stands for "Time and relative dimensions in space." The doctor is a time traveler and can travel between solar systems, saving the world from aliens and all that stuff.
DW is written from a Totally secular perspective, so some of the episodes are really interesting. Such as the two episodes in season two who's names escape me. They deal with whether or not Satan really exists. Because it comes from a secular perspective the loose ends aren't completely tied up at the end of the episode.
Satan tells the doctor that he is the sin, the temptation, Satan, and Lucifer, he was before time. The doctor questions how that can be since it didn't fit HIS rule and HIS beliefs. He has to question himself.
But because they cant except that there is a one true faith they can't figure out whether it's real or not.
so, very interesting.
have I really not written since the new year?
watched doctor Who the other night, in which their was an ood.
I liked them.
I haven't written because I had surgery on the 3rd of January and I just haven't written anything.
My brother also left for basic training. I miss him a lot. I miss talking to him. going into his room and sitting on the floor and just talking about whatever or anything that was frustrating or hurting me.
Now his room is unoccupied and my little sister wants it. To me it doesn't matter who gets it so long as one of us does.
Mom said she doesn't understand why the setup cant stay the way it is.
For one thing, I want my own room because right now I can't go into my shared room and just be angry or upset without my roomie coming in and out.
I'm frequently having to chuck my sister's stuff out of mine, which frustrates me.
The boys have had their own rooms for the majority of their lives and I'd like the opportunity to have that experience for a while.
because I share a room, my younger brother thinks he can ask my younger sister to get something out of my stuff just because it happens to be in the same room as hers.
I tried to say I wanted my brothers room but then my sister said she wanted it because she liked the closet setup.
Mom said that if i moved into another room that my sister would miss me.
Personally I think I would to. Bro's room is a little small for a bed so I would have suggested just moving all of  which ever person's junk into that room and they could sleep in the big room, cause I would miss my sister too.
any who.
I do love my sister, but I would like to have my own room.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

new year

Happy new year Everybody!
I'm not sure what to make of this new year or what to expect. In two days I have a surgery to remove the cyst in my left wrist. Hopefully it will work and I'll have the right wrist done. My fingers are crossed that everything will work out and I will be able to go back to doing judo like I was before.
My brother is also leaving in a couple of days for boot camp. I'm sad that he's leaving, he's been one of my best friends.
I'm also, unsuccessfully, trying to get my dad to rent Bourne Legecy.

So I'm looking at the next month with some skepticism.

Do you guys have new years resolutions?

I don't.

I have goals.

Which is essentially the same thing.

I've currently only got three.
1) start running (typical, I know)
2) get back into Judo and have my dad teach me Tia kwon do, which I sort of started and also had to stop.
3) finish my book before my brother gets home, cause it was his idea and we were writing it together and I want to surprise him.

OH, and maybe get caught up on that dreaded thing, SCHOOL. cause i'm like a whale. Barely above C level.
So that should be a goal too.
Although I do pretty good in writing. I have B because this last quarter I wrote my papers in AZ and that was slightly distracting. So they weren't up to par.
It stinks.

This winter has been really weird. There's not much snow for this time of year and it's warm enough to be spring.

So, I need to go sew, I have a dress to finish for my birthday/going away party and I have only two days left to finish it in.
I also need to draw something for drawing class. I'm working on a picture of Friar Tuck, from Robin Hood. The thing that makes it a little difficult is that I can't find the book that the picture is in and the one i'm using for the assignment is an oil painting.

My family and I adopted a cat from the local shelter. She's a sweet little ragdoll with Siamese coloring. Her name is "captain Jack." Captain for short.