Monday, October 31, 2011

how do I tell dad?

I was confronted by my mom last night about telling some one at church about cutting; there stuff she doesn't understand. Understandable. She noticed that I have told her, Tyler (my bro), Priscilla, and this friend and was wondering why. Why can't  I tell dad? Am I wearing this like a badge of honor now? I did after all, go to great lengths to hide the fact that I cut. why the sudden shift? Understandable questions.
The first one I want help with myself, Why can't I tell my father? I mean, it should be simple right? waltz into the room and say, "Hey Dad, i'm a cutter! you're daughter inclined towards self harm!" *head desk* I would be an Idiot if I did that, I think. I've told everybody else that needed to know, why can't I tell him? I think the answer is that I tell those I love, and it's painful for me because I know it will hurt them, and it does or i tell others because I want to rattle some one I know (face to face). Dad, Is some one I love, but I don't get to spend much time with him, I don't know what he'll do, I'm afraid to tell him. He is meant to protect and guide me, but he couldn't protect me from myself, how do I approach my father about this?
Yes, I am the sort of person who would try and rattle some one. Before my parents knew I did go far to hide it but know that they know about it, I feel free to tell people. Some people more than others. Am I proud of it? not really. I told my friend and it hurt, it hurt me, and she hurts for me while others I can tell with no problem what soever. the reason? I don't always fit in. when we moved to my currant home we found a group of people with whom I do fit in, and that is good, but there are those with whom I still don't fit in and don't care that they were my friends at one point. Them I would tell with out a second thought, Just to shake them up, call it twisted vengeance.
Then there is the the ever important question, "If you were to have you knives back right now, would you be cutting again in the next 24 to 72 hours?" asked by my mom. The answer would be yes. Probably, I would. At the moment it's a battle I don't even really know how to fight. I know all the stuff about taking your thoughts captive and all that, but it's not something I think about in that way, I guess. I don't think about it like, "oh I'm going to cut I want to cut really bad" I do sometimes but not all the time. At this point it's more of a knowledge that given the opportunity  I would do it again.
So. yup that's about it. gotta go for now. see ya around. don't forget to sign the guest book if you visited. :)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I am disturbed.
I am very disturbed.
because my brother just shot me in the chest with his nerf gun. lols. and then when I tackled him he *ahem* kicked me. he is very good at judo and so I couldn't get around his legs and ended up being kicked very awkwardly.
I am very disturbed because he wishes had had shot me with his airsoft gun.
It has snowed this morning and I think it is still snowing. meh. oh well. winter had to come eventually.....

Ms. Scarlet! In the conservatory! with the candlestick!!!!
we played clue last night. :) the awesomest game ever.... :) Mom won. it was so much fun. I think we are going to play again this afternoon. After football. the games are...
Patriots vs. Steelers. (go Patriots!!!!)
Broncos vs. lions (?)
Brady! Brady! brady!!!
Haley. :P

I"m not sure quite what to say since some people find this disturbing and unclear. What do I say?

Saturday, October 29, 2011

shoot, I"m tired. we did quite a bit of running around today. sportaman's warehouse... dairy queen, thrift stores, all that cool stuff.
so, interesting news...
this next week i'm supposed to be prayin and stuff about getting another piercing in my ears. a second piercing would be really cool and my mom is good with it. I also want to get one at the top of my ear but probably won't. Wally world (aka wal mart) does it for free if you buy the earrings.
found something I want for Christmas though, a really neat bag at sporty's (aka sportsman's)smaller than my backpack and black. my back pack is pretty darn awesome but that one looked really neat.
ok. I admit I was looking at the knives at sportsman's for a few minutes but the vast majority of the time I was at the counter I was looking at the tactical magazine... catalog... thing. :p and I was looking at the knives in a purely scientific fashion not with the intent of desiring "self harm."
meh heh heh. I. am. evil. hehehe
I would make a good sith. JK Jk.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011

yes siree i can spill it all.

yes siree, I feel perfectly comfortable posting all this stuff on here lately
1) because the people who should know it, know what's going on in mah life already so I don't have to worry about hiding it.
2) there is only two people I know of who read this blog that I know in  person...... I don't really care who out there knows if I don't know them personally unless you leave a comment, then I care. cause comments are awesome. :)
3)If by chance I do know you and you're reading this and I haven't told you in person.... I'm in so. Much. Trouble.
Leave a comment!!

so. Today I practically just laid around all day trying to sleep. the emotional overload of the past few days has caught up with me.
I got up and went back to bed. until this evening.
whoop de do it also brought back my life long companion.... a stress induced chest cold....... or something like that.
I thought I was going to cough up a lung this spring. :)
good thing I didn't.
I'm rambling.
I'm not even making sense to myself.
I should go back to bed.
my friend is telling me that he said I needed to stay away from the shrooms. what does that have to do with anything? I like shrooms Btw.
I swear I didn't do anything to sound high.
good night i'm outa here.

love ya all,

didn't do anything today. well almost nothing. :)
apparently I sounded high this afternoon. I swear I didn't do anything. I've just been really tired. :P

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

talked on the phone with my darling friend for a long time today. :) she was very helpful and encouraging.


the reason behind everything being taken away is that I cut. If she didn't take them away I would probably still cut even though she knew.
It's sad when one of the things you want most is a knife.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

she  took my scissors too!
darn it.
I never even thought of using my scissors so do anything.
I guess I'll have to wait and find out what else is missing. I didn't realize what "all sharp objects in the house" meant apparently.
i'm feeling post-y today for some reason. :P
I should start writing here soon. I need to get up the motivation to do it though. :P
I really want to start writing Vesper's story since she is my favorite charrie but with the past few days I haven't gotten on to write it out. meh.
oh well.

funny confession

I walked into the kitchen today to make a sandwich, the bread was uncut so I walked to the cupboard for the bread knife.
There. was. no. bread knife.
darn it.
So I looked in the silverwere.
No. Knives.
I was like oh come on.... I can't even make a sandwich! Some day I'm going to be home alone and wanting a sandwich and I won't be able to have one cause I can't flippen cut the bread.
and I don't even use serrated knives. I like straight ones, so.......
I wonder what's going to happen now. I want my knives back.


I've spent my whole life pretending things, Millie. It's all I really know how to do. But Norman was real...and because we were secret, he lives only in my mind. I have to keep him real, in my mind. Don't you see? If we make his death a fantasy, then loving him must have been a fantasy. And then I'll have nothing.

Monday, October 24, 2011

I don't have much to say lately. I've been kinda.. up to nothing I guess. I've been kinda upset and depressed but there's reasons for that. so......

Monday, October 17, 2011

interesting things and my room. :)

Yes that is a jar and yes, that is tea in my jar and yes I am stirring my tea with a knife.I like my knives.
My corner.
My library
Under my bed. sleeping bags pillows and writing stuff.
My famous lightsaber
My school. history, writing, Judo and my bible.
chewwie and my sniper book.
my big red backpack.
I.won. gold. in the tournament. I feel sorry for my apponant though.
and some people play low down, dirty, shallow tricks to win.

Friday, October 14, 2011


big tournament tomorrow. only two other people in my division though. and guess what?
I'm at the bottom. the lightest person their. and I think both of the others are younger than me.