Sunday, February 16, 2014

valentine's day, a day to love?

This valentine's day I spent with a friend of mine holed up in her cabin watching hotel transylvania, supernatural, buffy the vampire slayer, endor's game, and V for Vendetta.
we pigged out on oreos, skittles, pizza and way too much tv. (i also didn't gain back a pound that I've lost in the past two weeks, which is a miracle and also fabulous.)
We are both single and both dreaded valentine's day. Two days later I still don't like to think about valentines day.
you could say I hate valentine's day. it could pretty much just be called "lovers day" and leave it at that. if you know me well at all you know that for the past few years I've had to watch my friends grow up, move away to college, get girlfriends or boyfriends, and get married. And you would know that I've been sidelined from that and have not liked it.
at all.
did you know it's possible to get a sugar hang over?
apparently it is. and it was miserable. it knocked me out for most of Saturday afternoon and evening.
sports drinks and eggs help with that.
anyway, the day after valentine's day, at about 8:00 a car pulled into the driveway and as close to the front deck as is possible. it kinda freaked mom out, i mean, who in the world?
moments later a woman walks up with a small vase of roses asking for me. mom was confounded and I was only slightly astonished.
someone had sent ME roses.

I signed for them and stared at them and tried not to bawl as i read the note that came with them.

they had come from a friend who had seen a note that I had posted on fb  days before valentines. and she had sent me flowers.
she said that I was a sweet girl and her mother had started a tradition of valentine's not just being about sweethearts but about just loving people. that she hoped someday those roses would be from my dream man. and that she hoped she wasn't a creeper.
of course she's not a creeper.

That was kind of a perspective changer on valentine's day.
what if I could bless some other gal who's just as lonely as I was? what if valentine's isn't just about your significant other, but just about loving other people in general?
because I know i'm not the only single gal out there right now.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Over the last couple months i've been told i'm just not as happy as I was. I don't know if that's true or not, but that's the observation that has been made.
well, I can't actually say it's not true, because on some level it is. And life has left me we with a lot to think about.
late last year someone I knew commented suicide. I say "someone I knew" because it was a couple years ago that we used to hangout at the local stables and ride and we hung out at the fair and practiced martial arts together for a while (she gave me a sprained ankle that made me wear a brace for about a year.) but our friendship wasn't anything that really took off since she left the state and we didn't really reconnect when she came back.
but she committed suicide, because of the circumstances surrounding it i don't really feel free to write much about it.
and dealing with the events before Christmas.
but all that I can handle just fine. no sweat. I just hop over to a friend's house for a couple days while things cool down.
But what do you do when someone who was your best friend in the world becomes almost just the opposite?
I was raised a military brat. If there's one thing I know about people it's that no one really stays around except family. I"m used to friends coming and going. so much so that sometimes after i've known someone for a year or to i'll start to emotionally pull away from them because in the back of my head I think they are going to leave me and my heart will break. and then I slap myself and remember my dad is retired and no one is going anywhere.
my brother joined the military, before he left we were about as close as two siblings could be, now he's almost the exact opposite.
not only is he distant, but sometimes he's downright hurtful.
and that's almost worse than being gone.
and yeah, maybe that sounds harsh, hurtful. but he has everything. or could have everything he's wanted since he was a kid, and he's throwing it away or letting it slip through his fingers.
and watching him through it away is pretty darn hurtful.