Saturday, August 23, 2014

Im tired. Theres not much else to say.
Ive been depressed probably since monday or tuesday and I dont know why. But thats kind of the point of it, it just is. But its frustrating.i thoughtnit was over. Why cant it just be over?
But at the same time im ok. I can handle it. Im fine. And ill be fine.
Yeah, i still struggle sometimes but my life and feelings are in someone's bigger hands.

Baby's engine turned over. Dad got a new battery for her and she turned right over. We need to replace a whole bunch of stuff, (like the carburetor) and get new tires. But at least we know we can get her working.
She needs some welding work and a good paint job too. Im looking forward to that.

Friday, August 15, 2014

it's science watson

i should not cook late at night. it is liable to turn into an experiment. and then promptly explode.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

hi again depression

I've noticed on fb pics coming across my dashboard, on pintrest and on tumbr, that many people, girls especially, have romanticised depression, somehow it's deep and mysterious. even beautiful and desirable.
or exactly the opposite. General sadness is labeled 'depression.'
it's not something you just suck up and change your attitude about, it something that grabs hold of your head and your heart and anchores itself deep in your gut, and you hate the very essence of who you are till some days you simply cannot find meaning in your life and question the worthiness of your own existence. it's crippling, it is painful, and it is torture. there is nothing beautiful about it.
but there is always, always hope. 
just remembering that he loves you and cares for you isn't enough. people with depression actually have problems that need to be practically taken care of and healed; and i see a lot of people with the mindset that if you just remember god loves you and that's all it takes to be healed. that's like slapping a bandaid on a broken bone and telling them it will be alright. it will mend with time, but it will be crooked, painful, and crippling. it may even need to be rebroken again to be fixed comes in the form of family. it comes in the form of friends. for some people, in counciling, for other people in meds.
depression isn't a choice, but suicide is.
the funniest mad on earth had his chance, and he chose not to take it. but just because he didn't beat his batte doesn't mean that you can't.
it's hard, one of the hardest battles you may ever face. but it's worth it, life is worth it. and just because someone else didn't make it doesn't mean you can be stronger.
don't judge someone's strength by their celebrity aclaim either.


over the last couple days since the tragic death of robin williams i've had several posts come across my news feed that say something along the lines of  "if the funniest man on earth lost to depression what chance do i have?"

To my dear friends:
You have every chance.
I know what you're going through, i've been there, done that. and you know, i'm still fighting. it's a battle you might fight for the rest of your life.  and it's a hard fight, a very hard fight.
depression isn't a choice. you can't just "be happy" or "suck it up" or "remember, God loves you and that's all you need to know."
it seems like people go around toughting "smile, jesus loves you, fix your attitude" as a cure all for depression. it isn't.
Yes, God loves you, he loves you so much he had his son die for you. But that's not a cure all for a depression. There are almost always underlying problems, be they biological, circumstantial, traumatic, or for whatever reason.
depression isn't a choice. Scuicide is. it is always a choice. no matter how troubled, or hurt or broken you are you still have a choice, and you still havea chance.
The funniest man on earth mada tragic descision and we all mourne his loss. But it was still a choice.
And just because he couldn't beat his depression, you still have a chance, there are people out there who love you and want to help you. There is help available. if it's biological, or even if you just need some extra help, there are meds.
you have a chance. have a support system. there is always another option.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

lauren's commandments

1)know what you believe and why you believe it. always stand up for your faith and never be ashamed of what you believe.

2)love others, it's ok to pass up a theological discussion if it is not a matter of salvation if it will come between you.

3) that being said, relationships should not cause your own relationship with God to suffer. ever.

4)you are never alone, don't let yourself believe otherwise.

5) don't come between a student/person and his/her coffee. this is for your safety.

6) it's ok to turn in assignments the day of.

7) work hard

8) look out for your siblings. always.  they are the best friends you will ever have.

9) you heart will trick you, think with your head and don't be stupid.

the impala

Dad is helping me rebuild an impala, and we are currently working on replacin the steering column.
of course since it's my car, i have to at least try to do everything.
It's great to spend time with my dad, since i don't usually get to spend a whole lot of time with him. it's great, even when he makes fun of my scrunched up concentration face. which he says is cute.
although when he throws pieces of my car over the top and across the parking area i'm not so happy.
but i think we can all agree then when i start think "i should learn more about cars and get into this" and then drop a ratchey doohicky(yeah, i don't do tool names) on my face.
at this point i should stick to my original career choice.
dad had to work this morning, so we couldn't finish the job last night, but i'm hoping we'll work on it tonight.

mawage is what.... sepewates us all today.

so there's this whole big shindig debate going on for the past age and a half about marriage.
why? because LGBTQ community wants the right for an LGBTQ 'marraige' to be recognised by law.
that wouldn't be so bad except for a few minor details.
first off, in the cases of an LGBTQ couple forcing a photographer to a baker to photograph or bake for their wedding, when the LGBTW community goes after these people they are trying to force their religion/lifestyle onto someone else who has the right to morally refuse to serve someone.
but at the same time they don't like it when we 'force' our religion/lifestyle on them.
lets just all agree to be mutually respectful. you don't hire my bakery, i won't have to refuse you service as my conscience demands.
then we'll all be good.
second of all, in order to get married you have to apply for a liscence which may or may not be granted to you even if you are straight.
marraige was designed by God and was adopted all over the world, but before a whole bunch of big-whigs in well, wigs, decided to step in, it was a promise made by two people in front of other people and before god (or gods, depending on your culture.)
so it seems to me that little paper thing that says you're married is just for tax purposes, or something.
so i've knda been wrestling with the idea of which side to take on the whole LGBTQ issue, and i've kinda decided to stay nuetral.
on one hand, i find it to be against god's commands and natural law.
on the other hand, God didn't just give us the choice to choose what he wanted, he gave us the option of doing what we wanted, even if what we want is directly opposite of what god wants. As part of team free will i support the choice of choosing between god and our own desires.
so nuetrality. yay.

Monday, August 11, 2014


Yesterday we went to church at my little brother's church (he goes to a different church whenever he can, he likes the preaching and singing and people better there) on friday afternoon he told mom he was going to that church on suday so that he could be baptised. apparently he didn't think we would all want to be there.
so we all went to his church yesterday and then to the creek to watch his baptism.
every one there was supernice and had so many good things to say about my little brother. The little twerp never told us that everyone and their brother was enamoured with him. apparently he captured everyone's hearts while he was staffing camps and stuff. so mugh so that the lead pastor wanted to meet the rest of his family. and some other people did too.
he makes me proud.
he's also supposed to stay my little brother. emphasis on the 'little' part.
but he makes me proud.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

being an adult is not for everyone...... or what that post was supposed to be.

when you're a kid you think being an adult is all, grow up like mommy and daddy, do whatever i want, like stay up past my bedtime, and eat cookies till i get a tummy ache, and not take baths. Be whatever i want, like a doctor, or a vetrinarian, or a missionary.
as a young teenager being an adult means: having a boyfriend, spouse our significant other, it's having a job that excites you, a police officer, firefighter, or lawyer.
then you get to be sixteen or seventeen, and being an adult means getting a job that pays your bills, it means late nights, early mornings, or more likely, both at the same time. it means finishing highschool and looking towards getting into college.
as time goes on moving from childhood to adult hood, your expectation of life slowly shifts from grandois schemes of the future, to ever more realistic goals for the here and now. sure, some kids to grow up to get that sweet job as a fire fighter, or cop a lot sooner than most people would. but more often than not, as life goes on, our focus shifts from 'later,' to 'now.'

Until BAM.

you're eighteen.

and suddenly everyone's asking what you're doing with your life, what you're doing for school (and half the time they don't really understand your school they just smile and nod their head.) what job you have, what your goals and dreams are for your future, and if you have a significant other.
Serously people, suddenly we're able to sign out own paperwork without our parents, we're responsible for our every action, we're legal adults and expected to know exactly what we're doing all the time and what we plan on doing with our lives.
Of course we give the appropriate answers that earn us smiles, nods, a pat on the back and general apporval from society.
but on the inside..


we percieve ourselves of not being compatant of working hard and doing what needs to be done, of balancing school and work. of being responsible. Of being immature and not really an adult if we don't know exactly what's going on, or what's going to happen next in our lives.
and that's just not true.
it's ok to not be sure, it's ok to not know what's going on exactly, as long as everything gets done one way or another.
everyone has to go through that awekward phase of spreading their wings, we don't all just jump right out of the nest and soar. that's just not the way life works.
So why is it frowned upon to appear like you don't have it all together? like you should imediatly have all the answers to life's questions?
of course, being an adult isnt for everyone, it means responsibility, integrity, willingness and some passion to get going.
some people can't take responsibility. they won't go very far.
some don't have integrity.  they can't be trusted, and they can't be trusted to do what needs to be done to be successfull.
some people are both of those, but they aren't willing to cooperate and be part of the team at whatever job they're working, whatever relationship their constructing. But it's one of the most important aspects to have, if you're willing and eager to learn, to take responsibility, to do what no one else wants to do, you'll go so far.
but you have to have passion. no matter what you're doing, no matter what the job. do it with passion. even if it's the dirtyest suckyest job on planet earth, do it like you're the only one in the world who can do it and you're the best.
cause yeah, i'm 18. being an adult is hard. i'm gonna go color.

actually i'm gonna finish studying. cause that's what would be responsible of me to do.

being an adult is not for everyone

As i sit here at the computer trying to make the local college website work for me so i can schedule a test, i think that i would rather be sleeping.
but i am not. why? because i have to be responsible and study for an english test the the college is refusing to let me schedule.
because life sucks sometimes.
i'm tired. i'll finish this train of thought later.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

oh the joys of being sick. not really, there's really nothing fun about being sick.
i hafta stay home from hiking to study and get better.
and i just realized that i'm not going squar dancing this weekend because it's at the same time as my other dance class which i'm already commited to going to.

Monday, August 4, 2014

free love

yesterday evening i was talking to a friend, and i made a joke about spn, when i did that she answered me with a serious text requesting that i never get mixed up with trying to summon a demon or anything; she told me she worries about me and wanted to know why the crud i liked the show so much.
so i told her, it gives me hope, my relationships have been through rocky things and they have hurt me deeply, and with God's grace i'm still working through them, but you know, they're st ill a work in progress.
but what she said kinda caught me off gaurd. "you're kinda extrordinary you know, i mean, it's been tough, and you're not unscathed, but you, idk, you still have the capacity to love, and that's pretty impressive."
but guys, why is that impressive? why is it impressive that someone still loves people? why is it that another CHRISTIAN is impressed by someone loving people?
there are plenty of people far worse off than i am who love far more than i do. I am nothing. just a kid trying to make it through collage. heck, my rebelious phase was farming.
i don't think love is something that christians talk about enough. we talk theology and science, we talk about polotics. But what about love?
Are we supposed to only love others when we're whole? unbroken? content?
what about when we don't want to love another person? when we have every reason in the world NOT to love another person? what about those times?
why aren't churches talking about loving your neighbor, about loving the person on the other side of the political spectrum? of another religion? about loveing people when you're broken, when it's hard, when you think you have nothing left to give?
because yeah, that's when it matters most.
if you don't have love, you're nothing, and i'm not intentionally quoting from the bible here, but it should be a no brainer to every christian out there anyway.
literally, if you don't love, your whole existance becomes pointless.
lets love people ok?
im not extrordinary, cause im still working on all this, i'm not even a very good christian. but even bad christians should be known for their incredible love.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

every child's fear

Most every child has an imaginary friend growing up, or two, or three, or a dozen. An imaginary friend is one of the best parts of childhood; always there when you want them, always everything you need them to be.
Most every child is also afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the monster under the bed.
The thing lurking in the corner.
The shadow on the wall.
The long dark hallway.
Why is the dark every child's fear? Why are there monsters where there should be none?
Because the dark isn't a thing. it's a nothing, and i think every child understands that monsters are really real, and that the things we don't know or understand can hurt us. A child at night understands just how small and insignificant they really are in the world.
They are made to live in the light, but at night, that's taken away, and we're left to ourselves, our imaginations, and our human fear.
But then we all grow up, and we explain away our fears, and we develop an egotistical and overinflated sense of self worth, that we're bigger than we really are, and nothing can hurt us, that we're far more important in this world than we really are.
Other's live their entire lives in fear. maybe not fear of the dark or fear of monsters, but fear, fear of loosing this job or that relationship, fear of this boss or that friend.
Fear of never measuring up to other's expectations, of never being good enough, of never achieving enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not athletic enough, not beautiful enough, not strong enough.
never being the perfect spouse, never being the perfect christian, the perfect son, the perfect daughter, the perfect brother, sister, or friend.
For some of us the monsters never really go away, they just.. change form.
But monsters are always monsters.
fear is like a seed, if you don't cut it, it will grow, and it will fester, day in and day out, until it's riding on your back holding the reigns
The thing about monsters is they can always be tamed. I'm quite good friends with my imaginary monsters that lurk in various places around the house at night, sometimes i like to meet up with them and have tea together, you know, catch up and reminisce about reading 'frankenstein' and 'dr jekyle and mr hyde' when i was only six.
as far as all my other fears go, well, i know i don't have to be strong enough, there are others to help bear that burden.
i'm not afraid to loose this job or that one, god's never failed me yet, and i doubt he'll start now.
i'm human, i'm never gonna be perfect on this side of death. actually, i can't really tell you how to conquer fear and move on couragously, haven't quite got the hang of it myself yet, and that's ok. i'll tell you all if i do figure it out.
but whatever you do, don't let it rule you. get help if you have to. it's never a good thing to live in fear.
so no, there's no real closure to this topic for me, i haven't lived long enough or seen enough of life to really understand much about overcoming fear.
but from what i do know and i have seen, we're all just children pretending to be adults, and none of us really knows what's going on, cause none of us can see the big picture.
and in the end we all have monsters that we never got rid of, just don't let them control you. they're hard to get back under control.